The Chronicles of Marge

SYTYCD: Orange Juice and English Muffins

I’m really tired and I just realized that I have to write about 12 dances tonight, and I’m not sure how that’s going to turn out and if I can even make it through. Jason suggested I just pass on writing tonight, and I was all “Dude, there are like FIVE PEOPLE INCLUDING MY MOTHER who will wonder if I have died if I don’t write about this show.” And yes, my mom has known about this blog for a few months now, and yes, I was so mortified when I discovered this truth that I went out in the back yard and dug myself a six-foot hole under the old oak tree and laid myself down for a nice long rest. But then I got hungry after about 30 minutes and decided I could live with the help of a bag of Ghirardelli semi-sweet chocolate chips.

On to some dancing…or rather Cat Deeley’s totally buck LBD. I have never seen this woman look so lovely. At first I thought she had cut her hair into a delightful bob, but upon further inspection, my friends and I think she just has a stylist who has a talent with bobby pins. Either way, I love you more now than ever, Cat, and I want that dress.

This is our last evening with our paired couples, and tonight each couple performed two numbers. I am going to comment on both of their dances together, and for those of you married to chronology: well, you can bite me. 

Melissa and Ade opened with a Doriana disco. I thought this was a great dance—not as strong as the Brandon and Janette disco, but well done anyway. I will say, however, that I thought Ade looked a bit uncomfortable, but he did a fine job, and at the end of the day, he wasn’t the one who fell on their ass. But who cares, it endears these two to me even more. Their final piece was a waltz—definitely more free in its choreography than we’ve seen in other waltzes. I thought it was lovely and well danced, but I also agreed with the judges that Ade needed to work on his footwork a bit. So finally, the man with the hair pick has a chink in his armor, but there you go. 

Kayla and Kupono and the Man Cry of the evening. I guess addiction can do that to you, so I’ll forgive him. The consensus in my viewing group gave this Mia Michaels piece the highest praise of the night. I’m going to go against the group and put this as my #2 dance, simply for reasons you later will discover (read: WADE ROBSON). Mia really did a great job with the choreography, and I think the dancers were superb. The synchronization between these two is the best on the show and the way that Kayla lets her body be thrown around is amazing and would probably put me in the hospital, which is why she’s on the show and I’m not. My favorite part of this dance was the grabbing bit—well played people. Their next number was Broadway, specifically the school dance scene from West Side Story. I thought it began really strong but then fizzled. The entire time I kept thinking about that gym full of Sharks and Jet and how this just needed more. Do you blame the dance or the choreographers for that? I think the judges blamed the dancers for it.

And now a bit about costuming. Why would you ever put a beautiful (although slightly squint-eyed woman with far too heavy bangs) in a sequined flapper top and a humungous green skirt that reeks of Fashion and Style Tips from Better Homes & Gardens circa 1952? Sane people would not do this. Particularly when it basically ruins what otherwise would have been a respectable fox trot. The judges somehow were able to see beyond the skirt and liked this dance, but I don’t think America was able to see past the skirt. Luckily for Caitlin and Jason, they landed a lyrical jazz number by Mandy Moore for round two. For me, Mandy does not disappoint. However, I agree with the judges: it was very good but it didn’t have magic. And I think when it comes to Caitlin and Jason as a whole, Tyce put it best when he said they played it safe, and this is why I don’t lie in bed at night and think about these two dancers.

A couple I am going to think about tonight but FOR THE WRONG REASONS: Phillip and Jeanine. What the hell were these choreographers thinking? It was like watching two 6 year olds performing for Russian Heritage Day at the local Elks Club, which is a combination that you would never have nsee happen in my hometown but would have gotten about the same reaction as what I think this dance did: only proud looks from your drunk aunt Pearl and a fake smile from your mother who then had to take a cigarette break during the recital’s intermission so she could cope with the embarrassment. The judges, too, were perplexed, and it’s the first time Nigel has ever come close to telling a choreographer that they stink. And at the end of the day, this dance did nothing to help US-Russian relations. At all. 

Their jive, however, was fun, and I think Jeanine is always great in whatever she does. Phillip did much better than expected, but therein lies the rub. We don’t expect much from Phillip in a style not his own. We always have to qualify his dances, and shouldn’t that say to us that maybe a dancer isn’t so good when we have to keep qualifying him?

Randi got knocked up, broke the news to the Baby Daddy who then hoisted her all over the place, and then accepted his proposal in a standard T&N hip-hop number. I thought Randi did a great job with this. She was fluid where needed, but she also hit it where needed. Evan, however, was way too fluid the whole time and I don’t think really embraced the hip-hop groove. So to me, this was fine but nothing special. However, special did rear its wonderful head in dance numero dos for these two, but it wasn’t from anything they did. Let’s just say if you watched Season 3 that you will remember the Hotness that is Pasha, our Russian Latin dancer who was voted off too soon and left hearts a-breakin’ (especially my friend Kaysi’s) all over the USA. Let me say this: time has been good to this man and it was a joy to see him again. He and Anya (also from S3) choreographed a sexy samba, which Randi pulled off in high style. Evan, again, was disappointing tonight. He needed to extend his limbs more and really get down and dirty with it, but it didn’t happen. And thus tonight our little hobbit friend came up looking just like that, a little hobbit, sans the really hairy feet.

Brandon and Janette were the last in the cycle tonight, and goodness are the two of these something else. They really lucked out with their Argentine Tango choreographers who created a piece that left Nigel with nothing to do but stand up and clap. (Mary and Tyce joined him.) He said it was “as close to perfection as I’ve seen” ever on this show for ballroom. Mary put them on the train, and Tyce tried to pull a Lil’ C-ism with something to do about orange juice (and I say to Tyce: leave the analogies to Lil’ C and stick with what you know best, which apparently is a shimmy move and that shouldn’t even be done in public but if it keeps you from talking about squeezing oranges, then so be it). So if that wasn’t great enough, Brandon and Janette scored with a Wade Robson piece that proved why I adore this man and think he has got to be the best choreographer in the world alive right now. He creates for dancers the coolest movements—movements that other choreographers just wouldn’t dream of using or else would try to use and fail in the attempt. And when the dancers are good, like these two, we get to see magic, and we get to see two dancers who won’t be going anywhere anytime soon.

Speaking of which…bottom three for tomorrow? My viewing groups gives that distinction to Jason and Caitlin, Phillip and Jeanine, and Evan and Randi. We’ll see what happens. 

A Word or Two

Written last week and not posted until today: A belated word on the King of Pop.

I'm writing about this because the second I heard about Michael Jackson's death, I phoned my sister Katharine because I just had to talk to someone about it right then and there. Lo and behold, my sister Vern was calling Katharine at the exact same time, and through some wild advance in technology, Katharine got us on a three-way call and there we were, separate entities together as one, which is really the best way to describe the relationship I have with my sisters. We are all the same person, just split three ways. Anyway, it was the most exciting phone conversation I've had in years. Granted, it made me a bit sad because I hadn't seen Katharine since Christmas and I hadn't seen Vern since late winter and there's this corner of my being that hibernates when we are not together, but it was wonderful to talk and laugh with them and to feel like we were all in the same room together but with eyes closed. 

So the three of us shared in the death of an icon together and revisited that special time of childhood innocence and excitement, that decade that my generation was fortunate enough to experience through young eyes and hearts. We are the Children of the 80s. We are that generation that people keep wanting to group with X or Y but that falls more comfortably somewhere in between. We remember the silver glove and the moonwalk, which we tried to replicate on our little elementary school legs. We did not experience war as children, but we sure as hell remember the Challenger exploding and we remember images of the Berlin Wall coming down and knowing that something truly amazing was happening around us. We remember our parents being really concerned about something to do with Iran and Contras, but we did not understand because we were distracted by the fact that Pink 'N Pretty's head broke off and we had to force it back on to her now stump of a neck, but she didn't look right anymore because she had no neck and was all shoulders and head, and Ken just didn't think he could sleep with a woman whose head popped off spontaneously from time to time, so we cried a little bit and then we threw Pink 'N Pretty into the trash and we knew that it was THE END OF AN ERA because, after that, we moved on to Barbie and the Rockers and that gang did not come wearing a pink boa but was clad in spandex, or at least the '86 versions of Dana, Dee Dee, Derek, and Diva too. (And the fact that I still remember all of their names is sad, but Diva came with a cassette tape of the Barbie and the Rockers theme song, and you know I played that thing, like, all of the time because it was only one of three cassette tapes I had in 1986 and it fit really well into the rotation with Tina Turner's Private Dancer and Whitney Houston's self-titled album—you know, the one where she's in the toga and pearls and is saving all her love for you.)

And I think that's the whole point of pop culture sometimes. It's something that we can all have in common and that can bring us together, either in a moment of splendor or tragedy. So I'll remember the King of Pop through the eyes of a little girl circa 1984. May he rest in peace knowing that I still dance with reckless abandon every time Billie Jean is played.

SYTYCD: The Night They All Showed Up

There were a total of seven people at my house tonight for the Top 14 viewing and it was really a grand time. Conversations ranged from inappropriately placed tattoos (you don’t even want to know), Fat Bachelor—sorry, I meant More to Love—and reasons why a woman would carry a squirrel between her boobs. My friend Peter had the best response for the last one: nut storage.

Anyway, the energy among the group gathered at my house rivaled that of the dancers on the show tonight, which is to say, it was good times. In addition, Cat Deeley dressed a bit like Cyndi Lauper, so how could the evening be a bad one?

Jeanette and Brandon began with a cha-cha, and I must say that this couple really is outstanding. Although I thought Jeanette was stronger, I had nothing but good things to say about this dance. Nigel even called it “the best damn cha-cha on the show,” and Mary gave it two first-class tickets to, you guessed it, the hot tamale train. And then we had the Mia and Brandon show-down, and I think what she said was true: when you notice a talent you are hardest on it because you expect more, and I’m glad to see Brandon proving Mia’s initial opinion of him wrong. But seriously, dude, enough with the Man Crying. This has really been the season for it. I think we’ve seen every man cry on this show at some point except maybe Ade, and I am all PLEASE GROW A PAIR AND STOP CRYING GOSH. Still, it was a great opening dance.

Kupono and Kayla continue to be a great pairing. They danced a contemporary piece by Sonya, which Mia described as the best piece yet by Sonya. I must say the synchronization between the two dancers was lovely, and Sonya’s depiction of pulling away from death was dark and creepy, yet beautiful and moving all at the same time.

So everyone in the group was excited to see that Evan pulled a Broadway number and would bring Randi along with him for the ride. Tonight we had a first-time choreographer, a 6-foot tall woman by the name of Joey Dowling who wore a black tank top and—I’m gonna say it—dance panties to instruct our competitors and who looked a lot like Maggie Gyllenhaal in the face. Did she bring to Broadway what is needed for people to vote for this genre? Not really? Did the dancers bring what was needed? Not really? Although it was well danced, there was nothing electric about it. The main saving grace for this couple came with Mia’s comment that they needed to take it to the next level because they are short. And then she went on to say that Randi’s dancing looked a bit heavy, which left me wondering if Mia meant to say that she thought Randi was short and fat. I thought these were unjust remarks because less tall people have been on this show before and have done just fine and were not been criticized for it. So maybe the fault lies with the choreography and this was Mia’s way of saying that without saying it because how dare any judge ever criticize the choreographers. So Evan and Randi may get some sympathy votes for that.

This was followed by a Brian Friedman pop jazz number for Jason and Caitlin. You know it’s a weird dance when Nigel tells Caitlin that she’s dressed like a condom. The whole premise was the woman impregnating the man, and to my relief, that didn’t happen quite like I thought it might. I guess even Mr. Friedman knew he couldn’t get away with that on TV. In addition to Nigel’s condom comment, Mary said the piece didn’t sit right with her, and Mia said that she didn’t like the tin foil effect on Caitlin’s costume. This leads me to a hypothesis: maybe the judges say bad things about the costumes when they really want to say bad things about the choreographer. Because, seriously Mia, you have no place to bitch about the costumes while wearing an effin’ puffy shirt.

Phillip and Jeanine got their second Tabitha and Napoleon (apparently now known as Nappytabs, which is a plug for their clothing line and which is a nickname I dislike because it makes me think of dirty diapers and I did just baby sit for a 3-month-old so the memory of a dirty diaper is fresh and still gross in my mind) hip-hop number of the season. The two were chained together for the whole piece, and my friend Melissa said it best when she noted that it would have been easy for them to dance cautiously but yet they were strong and powerful. I concur. I liked the dance, as did the judges. However, and there is a however here: I think it is a disservice to the competition that Phillip and Jeanine have basically danced the same piece twice in so short a time. What new does it show us of them? What challenge does it bring to them? Granted, there was that chain, but it was no pas de deux, which leads me to…

Melissa and Ade and the question of the night: are drawings from the hat random? Last year, the show gave us the first nonclassical pas de deux performed by Katee, Will, and Will’s ugly-ass denim shorts, and I wondered then if the hat draw was rigged because no one else could have pulled that off. So now we have a classical pas de deux, and the only lady on the show who could even attempt this is Melissa, our resident ballerina. Although this was beautifully danced, and the judges were impressed, and all of my friends were impressed, I don’t know if people will pick up the phone for it. It didn’t have the sparkle of a cha-cha or the intensity of a Sonya piece, and by George, it didn’t have a smokin’ hot dress change, which the final number did. 

And I have to talk about that dress trick first. Karla came out on stage and I thought to myself, “She looks a bit boxy. Where are her hips?” And then Shazam! We got a dress that said TAKE THAT BITCHES. And what a way to end the show. Vitolio and Karla so desperately needed to bring some awesome to this competition, and they did. (And how cute was it when Vitolio replied to Mia with “'Bring it' Mr. Nigel said.” MR. NIGEL!) The quick step is known as the kiss of death on this show, but this was by far the best quick step I can remember—terrific choreography by Jean-Marc, superb execution by the dancers, and personality! I don’t always admit this in my commentary, but these folks got my vote tonight. Well done.

Actually, well done to everyone. This season has been sort of like a cracker that has lost its effervescence. You take a bite, get disappointed, try the next cracker in the box, throw that one away too, and after repeating this four times, you finally get to the crackers that are nice and crisp. And then you eat the whole damn box. So I hope we’ve arrived at the effervescent end of the box because I sure look forward to enjoying the hell out of it in the weeks to come.

SYTYCD and YouTube by Marge

Cat Deeley: You are as refreshing as an orange popsicle on a hot summer day. I loved your dress tonight. Best choice of the season thus far. I also still think we could be, like, total bosom buddies one day, if only we had the chance to meet. Oh, well. Maybe in my next life when I decide to actually take dance lessons and then audition for this show.

Anyway, I also want to take a few moments to educate folks on tonight’s guest judge, Toni Let-Me-Remind-You-That-I-Am-Street Basil. This should ring a bell, and this probably won’t, but it’s totally entertaining. So as much as Toni and her hat stress The Street, just remember she has the cred for it.

And thus begins my night of YouTube references that may drive everyone crazy. However, you don’t have to click on any of the links I include here. You have the power to not click and if you are too weak to resist, don’t blame me. But be warned, you may go straight to netflix and fill you queue with some great dance movies that may cause your housemates or spouses or pets to roll their eyes at you. Yes: I have an inkling that I am looking at a weekend full of song and dance classics (and Jason just decided that he’d rather spend it up inside the roof trying to rewire the kitchen light fixtures on a 95-degree afternoon).

First up: Karla and Jonathan take on a Dave Scott hip-hop routine. I really like Dave Scott—almost as much as I like Shane Sparks. I also was looking forward to seeing Karla in hip-hop after hearing that she is a member of a serious hip-hop group. Contrary to the judges’ opinions, I thought Karla did a great job. I thought she was fairly gangsta and definitely comfortable in the style, but how can you notice that when you have Man-Child up there on the stage with you. Nigel said there was no danger in the piece, and I’m like, duh, how can there be when it’s danced by a guy whose idea of gangsta is probably to wear a bandana with a shiny pants outfit. America: this guy needs to go, so don’t you dare pick up the phone for him. 

I was very excited when Asuka and Vitolio picked a Mandy Moore jazz routine. I had high hopes. There was a lace bodysuit, some kick-ass makeup on Asuka, and Pat Benatar. How could you lose? Well…although good, I think Mary put it best when she said she expected more, because as much as I wanted to fall in love with this, I didn’t. It seemed a bit restrained and a bit small. I also think I’m kind of done with Asuka—if I was to love her, it should have happened by now—and Vitolio’s use of the word “diarrhea” on TV, which initially made me love him, has a shelf-life.

However, the tenor of the evening changed with the third dance, a rumba for Ade and Melissa. I was nervous about this, not because of the dancers but because the rumba can be a bit boring if not done well. I shouldn’t have worried though. Melissa’s half dress and the turn move she did with her leg straight up that prompted me to yell “holy hell” at the television started the piece off as strongly as it ended. I love this couple, and I really want Melissa’s abs. I also spent 30 minutes searching for the Tina Sparkle rumba piece from Strictly Ballroom, but I only came up with the Scott Hastings/Fran curtain dance that is transposed with the rumba. So what the hell, here you go, and please, WATCH THIS MAN’S HIPS.

You know, I’ve always wondered how Brandon would handle hip-hop, and tonight I was delighted to find out. He and Jeanette scored the second Dave Scott number of the evening, and they totally rocked it. Brandon’s moves were smooth when they needed to be smooth and tight when they needed to be tight, which shows us that, sweet lord in heaven, this man is versatile. Eat that Mia. And Jeanette does such a great job getting into character. Granted, her tights were frightening, and I imagine that she’ll wake up tomorrow morning with a diamond imprint still on her thighs, but whatever. If I had her legs, I would just put on some big underwear, head in to work, pretend that I thought I was actually wearing shorts, and show those suckers off, diamond imprints and all.

And what would an evening of SYTYCD be without a waltz, this time by our new couple, Kupono and Kayla. Before the dance began, Jason said: “I feel bad for Kayla—having to dance with a toolbag.” Yeah, I agree. I’m not a Kupono fan, but this dance was beautifully done. Mary even put it on her hot tamale train. I credit the dancers, but also the lighting, which really set the mood. However, the lack of shoes in the waltz was different. I noticed this straightaway, but it was effective here for the dream sequence. I only wish that maybe the costume department could have taken this further, because I too don’t sleep in shoes, but I also don’t sleep in a full-length Stars on Ice outfit. So maybe next time they should put the guy in nothing but boxer shorts and the lady in a T-shirt with a toothpaste stain on the left boob area and a pair of really big underwear.

Evan and Randi: I was tickled pink by this Mia Michaels number. Way to set the mood: jazzy, very 1920s, almost a ventriloquist feel to it. I loved it. It was about an ass, and it kicked ass, and although I’ve loved our little hobbit friend and his unitard gal all along, I love them even more now.

Caitlin and Jason were given a paso doble, and although the judges gave them high remarks on performance, I was left fairly flat. I agreed with Nigel: I didn’t see the passion between these two, and I’m not sure that Older Sister can muster passion, can she? But I was also distracted by the music. It did not complement this dance at all for me, and the whole time I kept thinking about the scene in Strictly Ballroom where Scott Hastings learns the real paso doble, so I was all feel the rhythm you two for the entire dance. 

The final dance went to Jeanine and Phillip and I almost squealed when I heard the music because I know this song by heart and love the original Gene Kelly/Donald O’Conner number, and as much as the judges gave some mixed reviews, I loved this. It was one of the best Broadway numbers I’ve ever seen on SYTYCD, and maybe Phillip does needs to bring it a bit more, but maybe we can overlook that because finally we have entertaining Broadway and a lot of the credit goes to Tyce, but a lot of it goes to our dancers, and I don’t think a dancer like Caitlin could have Moses Supposes His Toeses Are Roses quite as well as Phillip and Jeanine.

My picks for the bottom three: Karla and Jonathan (oh please), Asuka and Vitolio, and Caitlin and Jason. 

If Not for Lil’ C

You know, when the night starts with Cat Deeley wearing a red toga that she apparently Scarlett O’Hara-ed from the bed ruffle of a local madame’s backwoods bordello, you’d expect the dancing to hip-hip chin-chin a bit, but good lord, I thought tonight was boring, and without Lil’ C as our resident philosophical thesaurus of the dancing world, it would have been a true dud of an evening. And this even takes into account that Shane Sparks was back twice in one evening. Dear heavens what have we done to deserve his return and yet disregard it so. Shane: in my imagination I wore sequins with leather for you tonight and danced my heart out all over that floor and hit it like it was supposed to be  hit. And it would have been good. But apparently our real contestants didn’t respect the importance of your presence. 

On to the dancing… 

Randi and Evan started the night off with a jive. And guess the consensus? It was FUN! So much so that we actually had to say the word fun, like, 37 times in a 10-minute span and add a little fun-o-meter graphic just to remind me that fun happens in a bright red dot on the left-hand bottom corner of my TV screen. Anyway, I thought—much to the differing opinions of the judges—that Evan looked effortless and Randi looked like she was the one really working too hard to get it right. I guess my ill perception came from all those years of dance lessons that I did not take.

Melissa + Ade + Sonya = pink leggings + much love. And here I will include my first Lil’ C-ism of the evening (please forgive any mistakes in my transcription): “modifying your manipulation of movement.” Which is basically an alliterate way of saying BUCK. I loved this dance. I love this couple. They have had the best two-leg run thus far of the competition.

OK, so Shane Sparks is back as I mentioned before. But what Caitlyn and Jason did was just not Shane-worthy. I mean, come on people, at one point during the dance (and way before Mary pointed it out in her critique), I said, “It looks like Britney Spears up there.” And then Caitlyn started losing her jewelry and I got worried that the rest of the clothes might flee the scene too and the interpretive dance would end with a head shaving. The horror. 

I thought Brandon and Jeanette really shined in their disco number. I mean, the extended crotch shot of Jeanette in the air alone should have garnered a few votes from the Straight SYTYCD Man Watchers out there (and trust me, I know you are out there and looking for moves like this on a weekly basis). Lil’ C may have summed it up best: “The primary focus of all obstacles is to produce labor so progression can form.” Yeah…what he said.

Oh Asuka and Vitolio! You poor souls have been scorned by the gods that control the magic hat of fate that christens you each week with a different dance style. Broadway and waltz are almost always automatic killers, and here you sad two go with the latter this week. However, Mary got really emotional about this dance, Nigel liked it, and Lil’ C said something about “dominant submission,” which really made no sense at all but was catchy. I, on the other hand, just wasn’t sold. Asuka’s dress was too long, and Vitolio’s double-breasted vest was too long, and I just was left flat.

But luckily Brian Friedman of the Brian Boitano School of Puffy Shirt Dressing gave us something interesting to behold. He presented Max and Kayla with some pop jazz, a lot of feathers, some MC Hammer pants, and the sickest set of fake eyelashes I’ve ever seen. It was a bizarre piece for sure, but it was enjoyable and the group I was with liked it. However, we felt the judges over-praised Kayla and that it was Max, rather, who danced the strongest in this piece. 

And now begins our downward spiral for the evening.

Karla with her Man-Child. You know, the judges loved this, and why would they not? With a new choreographer from Canada, what bad could they have said? We have to keep nice with our neighbors to the north, so let’s loooove this one judges. Let’s loooove it. Or not. Because regardless of what our expert panel said about this, it had no passion in my book, and I think everyone I watched the show with agreed. We also agreed that we would have loved to see Ade and Melissa bust a number on this one and show little Jonathan why there is a difference between the men and the boys.

Phillip and Jeanine take on the tango and sweet heavens above this was not good. Phillip, bless his heart, was working so hard on staying serious that it was almost painful to watch. I want this boy to succeed. I want him to grow as a dancer, but tango, apparently, is not the place for this. Again, Lil’ C said it best: “Lack of confidence is the heaviest anchor you can put on our creativity and art.” And that may be why I lasted only 3 months in jazz class and why I’ve never sung by myself in public.

Our second try at Shane Sparks ended the evening on a down note. I had high hopes for Ashley and Kupono, but they seemed to forget one thing: this isn’t T&N hip-hop anymore. You have to hit it. You have to be sharp, and for the love of peach cobbler on a Southern summer night PLEASE RESPECT THE SHANE SPARKS. Or, as Lil’ C says: “Find the serenity inside the chaos.” Meaning, do that, and you won’t end up in the bottom three this week, which could really be a toss-up after tonight’s lackluster performances. If anyone disagrees, feel free to comment!

SYTYCD: The Night Mary Went Too Far

Although there’s a lot of dancing to talk about, I first have to discuss the antics of one Mary Murphy during tonight’s top 20 competition. Lady, if I were you, I would be embarrassed. You are a ballroom expert and former dance champion, but you’ve been reduced to a screaming hyena of a woman who yelled, upon being asked to raise an eyebrow: “I can’t anymore because of Botox.” As if America can’t tell. America is now also wondering what’s in the drink and if you were snorting something through the straw during the commercials. Mary, your job is to critique dancing. It’s not to yell all of the time or to put people on a tamale train. Your job is to give meaningful comments on the dancing, and you didn’t give a single one tonight, and for that, you should be ashamed.

 Now that I have that off of my chest, let’s move on to the dancing.

• Jeanine and Phillip started off the show with a T&N hip-hop number that reminded me a lot of last year’s hit “Bleeding Love.” I think because of that, this dance left me less enthused than I would have been had Bleeding never existed. However, it was one of T&N’s better moments and Jeanine and Phillip did a great job with it. And really, how could you not love Phillip?
• Asuka and Vitolio, two of the most interesting dancers out there, ended up with a tough draw: Broadway. Don’t get me wrong. I love Broadway, but Broadway takes a certain level of energy to make it memorable and entertaining to a wide-reaching audience. Although it was well-danced, there was a slow feeling throughout, and the judges noted that Asuka and Vitolio just didn’t bring the personality to the stage that was needed. That’s too bad, because I want to see more from these two, and I hope we get that chance next week.
• Karla and I’ve-Never-Used-My-Hips-Before Jonathan…Sigh. All of the judges seemed to like this cha-cha, but my three lady friends and I were like, WHAT?? Jonathan: You might sweat a lot and I might be partial to heavy sweaters for some personal reasons, but that dance was not good. Where are your hips, man?  You need to find them and use them. And also, why the hell are you on this show you man-child, gosh.
• Randi and Evan…this is what I’m talking about. Tyce always does a lovely job with jazz choreography, and I don’t know anyone who doesn’t already carry a little Evan around in their jacket pocket with them, but didn’t Randi improve tremendously outside of the unitard? She and Evan are a great match, and I peg them as early favorites. This number was danced beautifully and it was believable, and sometimes that’s all you need at the end of the day.
• Oh gosh. My friend Melissa said it best when she called Paris and Tony’s hip-hop number “The Leather Pants Dance.” This is why T&N just do nothing for me. And when the dancers aren’t able to bring it and are also confined to horrid outfits, what hope is there?
• When Cat Deeley said that Bollywood was the next style, my friend Kaysi and I looked at each other and simultaneously said, “They are bringing it back already?” Isn’t it too soon? Didn’t Katee and Joshua from Season 4 just, like, yesterday, rock the house with this? Is it safe to trust this with anyone else? Why, yes, it is, and Caitlin (aka The Older Sister, The Straight-Hair Sister, the KDunst Lookalike, the One Who Needs to Prove It to Me) and Jason (who is adorable) brought it back with energy, strength, and precision. I may have to start giving Caitlin a break now.
• Janette and Brandon could have been doomed with the fox trot, and I really thought that they were. However, when he hoisted her ass up in that last move, everyone in the room with me was all, DANG DUDE. And the fox trot was redeemed and the judges thought it was lovely and Mary made that Botox comment and these two folks may have been saved from the bottom three.
• OK Wade Robson. You are my favorite. I should have loved the crash-test dummy dance that you gave Ashley and Kupono. I should have, and I admit that I softened a bit after hearing the judges' comments, but really, I was left a bit disappointed. This was not the Wade Robson of my dreams. This was the Wade Robson who is reportedly friends with Michael Jackson, and I understand that sometimes shit is weird, but it’s not okay to hold a baby over a balcony or sleep in the same bed with children who aren’t your own or dye your skin and, good lord, the litany could continue. But it’s 11:25 p.m. and I have two more dances to write about and I’m anxious about not getting enough sleep as it is and I just wanted something like the effin’ newspaper dance from Season 3. Is it too much to ask? Regardless, I am glad you are back Wade. You have given us something to talk about at least.
• Melissa and Ade were blessed with contemporary choreography from the brilliant Mandy Moore who can almost do no wrong in my book and, wow, didn’t she prove that tonight with her Richard Marx number? And didn’t these two dancers show us what dancing is all about? From the perfect synchronized leap to the power move over the head, this held me captivated. I like them as a pair, and I am glad that a hard-core ballerina is in this competition and showing her chops.
• And as it should be, the evening ended on a great note with a terrific samba from Kayla and Max. Jonathan: these are the hips we are talking about, so take notes from the Russian if you are still around next week. And Kayla in her hairy dress was fantastic.

Thoughts on the bottom three: I paneled my co-watchers and Jason and here’s the consensus: leather pants dance, Broadway, and Karla and her Man-Child will have to dance for their lives. I just hope that all of the judges are in actual judging form tomorrow night because I don’t want to lose someone like Vitolio to someone who can’t move their hips.

Season 5: The Top 20

People: We have our top 20, and the real fun is soon underway. 

But before I delve into the eccentricities of the selection process, including Natalie's early cut from the show on Wednesday (which I know seems irrelevant now but does address some important aspects of the weeks to come), let me discuss something almost as important: what is up with the one-legged pants. I've seen these a couple of times during the audition process (and luckily not tonight): there's a perfectly lovely young person with one leg covered up and one sticking out of some tattered half-short. It's almost as bad as the ladies in the see-through tights and thongs. Well, maybe not that bad. However, I'm perplexed by this particular choice of dance wear when there are three more viable options: (1) a pair of pants with two full legs of cloth, you know, like the ones everyone else wears; (2) a flowing skirt; and (3) what my mother refers to as dance panties, a term that my sister Katharine says I should never use in conversation. So because this is only the Internet, let me just say it one more time: DANCE PANTIES. I know. That was uncalled for, but as much as the word "panties" is widely inappropriate and causes me to feel a bit queasy—most ladies I know moved on to "underwear" decades ago—wearing dance panties is much better than wearing one-legged pants or even baggy shorts, so folks, look into some dance panties. 

Now back to our top 20: I couldn't type fast enough for a full list of names, but here a few highlights on some of our contestants:

• Randi: Committed to Unitards (also reminds me of Jennifer Coolidge from the movies).
• Tony: the Ivan (Season 2) of 2009. The judges made it clear that they have gone out on a limb in choosing Tony and expect great things from him. The judges aren't alone in this opinion, and as much as Mia likes to cut, I like to not vote. Take a note, Tony.
• Philip: THANK YOU!
• Brandon: Mia was really rough on him and actually said that his dancing "annoys the shit out of me." I thought that was harsh even for Mia, but Brandon took it with maturity and said that it is on. Dude: you better bring it.
• Vitolio: he actually said the word "diarrhea" on TV—he might be my new favorite.

Now back to Natalie. It was odd that the judges dismissed her so quickly. Yes, maybe her one dance for the judges wasn't quite as intense as her others, but her body of work overall was good. They didn't even give her a chance to dance for her life, as they did later with the Older Blond Sister Caitlyn who made it into the top 20 even after totally forgetting Mia's choreography. (Note to contestants: You don't forget Mia's choreography.) But over some facebook correspondence this morning, my friend Kaysi made an astute observation. Please note, this refers to Season 3, also known as the Season of James van der Beek:

"I also think it was Pasha syndrome, they'd seen Natalie last year in Vegas and she hasn't improved enough, whereas the dancers they hadn't seen can show a little improvement and the judges think they're better for the show. I maintain that is the reason Pasha was voted off (because he started out good) before Neil (who sucked early on, but improved so much in late weeks)." 

For those of you new to the show, the Pasha Syndrome is something to remember as we watch the next few weeks unfold. The judges often look for something greater than the dancer can give, and once the dancer has plateaued, their praises won't be as highly sung. On the other hand, America often doesn't vote on dancing quality. There is an entire horde of young teenage girls out there who think that the James van der Beek of Whichever Year We Are In is hot and worth a vote. But of course, all of these girls are too young to actually remember that Pacey Witter was the only reason to watch that show about the creek and the ladder and the mother of Tom Cruise's spawn.