The Chronicles of Marge

Not Surprisingly, the Lady Wore Giant Shoes

Y’all: I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I really loved Lady Gaga as a judge tonight. My opinion of her up to this point could probably best be filed under The Crazy, but she was well spoken, provided criticism and not just praise, and had some fairly witty things to say. She was everything I imagined she would not be. And I loved her for it.

On the other hand, the other guest job, Rob Marshall, looked like a walking terror alert. Seriously, this is why tanning and Botox are bad for you. No one should be more orange than Mary Murphy. And thus, I will speak no more of him because he deserves it not.

Now on to the dancing, which tonight was tremendous indeed. Each contestant danced with an all-star first and then our remaining eight were paired with each other.

Sasha and Pasha began the evening with a Jonathan Roberts quick step. I loved Sasha’s dress. However, although this was well-danced and included Pasha, I felt Sasha was a bit too stiff for the style.

Caitlynn was paired with Ivan in a hip-hop number by Marty Kudelka. Now an aside: so each season has a dancer that I always wish would just go away but for some reason ends up making it through round after round (e.g., Jess in the current season, Evan from Season 5, Neil from Season 3). Ivan was that dancer for me in Season 2 (although, let’s remind ourselves why we miss Shane Sparks). I just didn’t get what everyone else got with him. So it was quite unnerving to hear he was an all-star. Well, he still looks like he’s 12, but he can kick ass when it comes to hip-hop, even unmemorable lyrical hip-hop like he was given tonight. Caitlynn, God bless her, was there, but she had no swag compared with her partner.

Tyce DiOrio redeemed himself after last week’s Broadway tragedy in a jazz number danced by Jordan and Ade. This was great fun to watch and had an excellent 80s feel to it. Of course, with Jordan, we got a lot of crotch, albeit one housed in a romper, to which I say, really?? No adult woman should ever wear a romper. Bunching fabric over the lower abdominal region never did anyone any good.

Melanie!! Dawson’s Shirtless Creek!! Mandy Moore!! Total Eclipse of the Heart!! Regardless of what the judges said later in the show, this was my favorite dance of the night. Mandy Moore has a long history of rocking my world, and she did not disappoint tonight. Lucky for her, Melanie got this dance because who else would have had the passion and control to take that amazing leap across the stage and into the arms of Dawson? This one got a standing ovation from the judges, which revealed that Gaga was 2 feet taller than Nigel—who knew?

Ricky and Anya were given a Jason Gilkinson jive set to a Celine Dion song, I kid you not even though I wish I could. It was such a bad combination of dance and song that I was completely unable to watch the number except that bit where Anya flipped Ricky over by the neck.

Jess was paired with Lauren Gottleib for a T&N hip-hop routine. I really hoped Jess would suck at this so people wouldn’t vote for him, but alas, he danced just fine. Although I don’t think his performance matters because people are going to vote for him regardless—and by people, I mean the same people who throw their panties on stage at a Clay Aiken concert. To which I say: you are a 57-year-old woman who needs to go home and get laid because that is sad. And also, don’t vote for people like Jess anymore.

Last season’s winner, Lauren Frodeman, joined Tadd in a Mandy Moore heist piece. Again, excellent choreography. Excellent music. Excellent costumes. Mandy Moore  was two for two! Lauren and Tadd were incredible. That was a lot of fun.

Marko and Allison danced a contemporary routine by Sonya. This number not only put the judges on their feet, but it put tears on their faces. Gaga cried, Marko cried. Marko’s mother cried and also did a lot of reaching toward the heavens or something. Anyway, this was exceptionally well danced—do not get me wrong—however, I have a bone to pick about the music. That Jeff Buckley song lent nothing to the choreography or emotion of the dance. It was a bad choice and I think the dance would have been better had the music been different.

Cailtynn and Tadd were given a fox trot by Jonathan Roberts. This is not a style of dance that will be remembered tomorrow, although Tadd and Caitlynn both did a great job. What I will remember, however, is that dress! Forget the dancing, all I wanted was to put that dress on and spin around. And then spin around some more.

Marko and Ricky were teamed up in a T&N hip-hop piece about badass waste management technicians. This could have been really good hip-hop, but our dancers were not always in synch, and because Marko was stronger than Ricky, I felt the dance was a bit lopsided. I bet Dominic and Twitch would have given this dance what it needed. But who cares, because Lady Gaga took the opportunity to totally diss T&N for the use of props, which she didn’t think added much to the dance.

Jordan and Jess got a Jason Gilkinson rumba. Sweet lord, who thought that dress looked good on Jordan because a giant piece of red fringe that leaves the hips exposed to the elements does not flatter any female form. Therefore, the dancing and definitely Jess didn’t even register in my mind because I kept hoping that Jordan’s terrible dress would at least stay on for the entire performance. Thank God it did. And thank God Lady Gaga also dissed this choreography. That woman has balls.

Sasha and Melanie ended the night with a Sonya jazz routine that all of the judges thought was the best of the night. Gaga even threw one of her giant fashion catheter shoes on stage and then gave the other one to Sonya. I agree—I loved this. However, I want to talk a bit about our dancers. I think Melanie was stronger than Sasha. It was subtle, but she seemed to get into the Sonya-ness of the movements more than Sasha, whose movements retained a slight smooth quality throughout.

But really, at this point, no one gives a shit about Marge’s critique of the dancing, so I will shut up now and go to sleep. May you all dream of spinning around in that feathered dress all night long.

 

Grazers and Vultures

Yesterday for lunch, I cut up  a cucumber and some tomatoes—all grown in our garden I am proud to say—put them in a big pottery bowl, and doused them with a bit of balsamic vinegar and olive oil. I then distributed them between two smaller bowls, and upon doing so, I noticed a drop of balsamic vinegar rolling down the side of the pottery bowl. And now let me interject with a short story that speaks to my particular human nature...

It is well known at I am my father’s daughter. When it comes to food, there are two important traits that I inherited from my father: (1) I am a grazer; and (2) I am also a vulture—if there is residue of any sort left on a plate, bowl, floor, or counter surface, I will find it out and eat it. Case in point: many years ago, my family made gingerbread one night for dessert. The next morning, my dad noticed in the giant bowl of compost sitting on the kitchen counter a chunk of gingerbread that someone did not partake of the evening before. Never one to let anything go to waste and always one to indulge the appetite whether or not hungry, he grabbed the gingerbread with his bare hands and shoved it into his mouth only to discover in horror that it was used coffee grounds that were intentionally and correctly placed in the compost pile as refuse. At least it was not a chocolate eclair taken from a trash can. But still.

Anyway, I didn’t have the same experience with the balsamic vinegar, but I share the story to demonstrate the passion with which a member of the family Ryalls can clean up dishes when in the role of vulture. So as I saw that balsamic vinegar making its way down the side of the bowl, all I wanted to do was save it by consuming it myself, so I brought that bowl to my mouth like a dog takes to water on a hot day, and I hit myself so hard in the front tooth that I could feel it tingling up in my nose.

And then the moment of fear struck: did I just lose my front tooth because I wanted to lick some balsamic vinegar off the side of an empty bowl? I started feeling for my front tooth with my tongue and in disbelief and yet great relief, I discovered my tooth was still intact.

Jason, of course, witnessed the whole thing and when he took a look at me, I could tell something was awry because he was trying to maintain a calm demeanor so that he could inform me that I indeed did not lose or crack my front tooth, but rather took a chunk out of the tooth right beside of it.

And then he laughed when I produced a fake grin so he could inspect further. APPARENTLY, I LOOKED RIDICULOUS.

And then I realized that the days of whatever good looks I had were over. Or at least shortened greatly because I recently read an article in a somewhat esteemed fashion magazine about a study that determined the peak of a woman’s beauty was at 35.333 years and after that it was all downhill, which obviously means sagging boobs, fat ass, crow’s feet, Muppet ankles, and the traveling of elbow skin to the forearm all in one fell swoop; therefore, enjoy it while you can, ladies, because 35.34 years sounds like a giant helping of Suck Ass. So anyway, I thought about that study, which might have been sponsored by a cosmetics company and may not have been published in a journal of any repute (or at all), but whatever, and I wondered if my beauty peak was just shortened by 2.5 years because of an incident with a pottery bowl and balsamic vinegar that left me looking like a snaggletooth country bumpkin from Davidson County. Oh no. That means I actually am a snaggletooth country bumpkin from Davidson County. Well, at least I hope my father will be proud.

Season 8: The Top 10

First of all, a huge thank you to Kate and Melissa, our Guest Chroniclers from last week!! They outdid themselves. Our dream now is to figure out a way to watch the finale together and then we could post the greatest SYTYCD recap ever. But alas, there are many miles between Durham and Charlottesville for a weekday and it may never happen. Nonetheless, I keep hope alive for teleportation (as well as a chance encounter with aliens). 

So back to this week: Neil Patrick Harris was our lone guest judge. Producers, I thank you. This is exactly what America needs when it comes to guest judges: intelligence and eloquence.

Tonight, our top 10 dancers performed twice: once as a solo and once paired with an all-star. Marko started the evening off with Chelsie Hightower in a Jason Gilkinson samba. Dear lord, this was a terrible song, and it was credited to Kate Hudson. Do they mean Kate Hudson the actress? Well if so, girlfriend needs to stick with acting even if she does play the same character all of the time. It's a strategy that works well for Julia Roberts, so why not Kate Hudson? Anyway, the lifts in this piece were really nice, and Marko did an excellent job. I was glad to hear Mary praise his technical abilities as well. But what was going on with Chelsie from the neck up? She’s looking a bit weathered in a Playboy bunny sort of way. Chelsie: I implore you to take some advice from one of my favorite Hollywood icons, that would be Cher of course, and strive to turn back time before it is too late.

Jordan and Brandon—the lucky dogs—were given a Desmond Richardson and Dwight Rhoden contemporary routine. Personally, I’m glad to see Brandon, The Lord of the Manties, again. I always enjoyed him as a dancer, and apparently so did Desmond and Dwight because this choreography was perfect for him. I mean, that double aerial into a side split…speechless! In fact, this was basically the Brandon Shirtless Show accompanied by periodic viewings of Jordan’s crotch. But regardless, it was really beautiful, and exactly what we expect from Desmond and Dwight.

Tadd was paired with Comfort for a hip-hop routine by Chuck Mac-something-or-another (sorry, dude, I completely missed your name). Although this was real hip-hop compared with all the lyrical stuff we usually see, it didn’t compel me in the least. And the song was irritating and distracting. No one needs to ever talk that fast or dance to music in which someone talks that fast. Nevertheless, Tadd did a great job. In fact, Nigel said Tadd out-danced Comfort. LIKE THAT IS REALLY HARD TO DO.

Mitchell was paired with some chick named Melodie from season 1, which means that I don’t know her because I didn’t know this show existed back then and therefore I have no emotional connection with her. Sadly to say, no connection was made tonight because Tyce DiOrio choreographed the worst Broadway I have ever seen from him. The music was atrocious. The movements were boring. Neil Patrick Harris didn’t like at all and made that very clear, and I commend him for that because it takes balls to basically tell Tyce DiOrio that you can’t shit this stuff out and think we are not going to notice.

And then the Women of the World had to pour themselves a cold glass of water because Caitlynn, lucky gal, scored Pasha and an Argentine tango on her first all-star outing. Y’all: this is how smoldering is done. Slowly, confidently, and with a Russian ballroom dancer at your side. This was Argentine tango at its best.

Sasha and Twitch, another all-star favorite of mine, got a Christopher Scott hip-hop routine. This was accompanied by a slow song, but no matter—with the right choreography and dancers, hip-hop moves can be paired with any type of music. In fact, this was good hip-hop. I totally loved it, and so did the judges.

Jess and Kathryn were given a contemporary routine by Stacey Tookey. The choreography was beautiful, and Kathryn was great, but I would have loved to have seen this danced by another guy, someone like Ade or Joshua, because Kathryn totally outshined Jess. Granted, the judges felt it was Jess’s best work to date, and I must agree with that point, but I still don’t like him at all.

Melanie and PASHA AGAIN! danced a Viennese waltz by Jason Gilkinson. Male Contestants of SYTYCD: This is how shirtless should be done, so take notes and if you can’t do shirtless this way, then keep your shirt on, fools. Anyway, Melanie must have enjoyed the shit out of that. I mean, I would have. It was beautiful and flowing; it had Pasha; and Melanie is the best female dancer I have seen since Katee Shean graced the stage.

So Tyce was able to redeem himself with a jazz number performed by Ricky and Allison. The theme was about a bad dream, which I failed to get, but whatever. It was superbly danced, especially that lift where Ricky grabbed Allison by the leg and pulled her up. I didn’t expect that. I also didn’t expect Ricky to be wearing some type of red cloth scraps on his ass. As my grandmother would say: I could have done without that.

Clarice and Robert ended the couple’s dances with a Nakul Bollywood number. And could there be a better male choice for Bollywood than Robert, particularly when he is dressed in shiny purple pants? Never. You could tell he loved it. And Clarice brought it too, and I applaud her for that. 

Solos can be absolutely boring; I hate to waste time on them. But here’s a brief recap in case you really want to know my thoughts on our top 10:

• Sasha: A lot of writhing on the floor. Also, such a big shirt made me wonder where her pants were.
• Jess: Who is voting for this tiny little man?
• Melanie: That was the best solo I’ve seen all season.
• Ricky: We’ve seen this solo before. Many times before.
• Clarice: She had tulle attached to one of her hips. Dear God why?
• Mitchell: White shorts and no shirt should be filed under Don’t Even, I Wouldn’t. And then one leg was bunched up and the shorts looked like a diaper. Really, if you are going to go shirtless, just man up, wear some Manties, and put it all out there.
• Jordan: We were guessing the number of crotch shots she would show and went with 5, but she disappointed us with only 2.5.
• Tadd: B-boys are always fairly entertaining.
• Caitlynn: Hip tulle AGAIN??
• Marko. Dude, don’t dance to a Gavin de Graw song. Ever. Again.

SYTYCD: The Guest Chroniclers Strike Again

Hello, SYTYCD fans! It’s Kate and Melissa again, making our once-a-season appearance on the Chronicles while Marge is away. We are proud to announce that, though you won’t have the incomparable Marge in your Google Reader tomorrow morning, at least you’ll have something! And speaking of filling in, after the past few weeks, we were all ready to call up Fox and volunteer as guest judges. After all, we may not be famous, but (a) we aren’t afraid to offer constructive criticism, (b) we don’t have annoying catch-phrases like SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!! and (c) we are virtually* guaranteed not to smooch any of our fellow judges (*unless one of our fellow judges happened to be Daniel Craig, in which case we might not be able to help ourselves, and yes we know he’s recently married but we can’t talk about that without getting emotional so for heaven’s sake let’s change the subject). Ahem. Anyway….this week, the guest judge was Jesse Tyler Ferguson of Modern Family, who actually did a fine job. He was funny, and he recognized that Cat is the best ever reality show host, and we completely agree! We love her even when she’s shiny and orange and wearing a dress that makes her look like an ostrich from the waist down!

As for the dancing, we felt a bit meh about this one. Each couple danced twice (which we suspect is why Marge chose this week to head out of town…QUITE the coincidence there, we think), so we’ve lumped both dances together for each couple below.

Sasha and Alexander were up first in a paso doble by Tony and Melanie. This dance was envisioned as a battle, and Sasha was definitely up for the challenge: it really showcased her powerful style (and kind of made Alexander look like a marshmallow). We liked the girl-power, women-can-do-anything message (that’s right, we don’t HAVE to be the cape anymore, ladies!), but when it comes right down to it, skirt-swishing is just part of the paso doble, so the absence of a skirt was somewhat jarring. But overall good and the judges liked it too.

Their next dance was a jazz routine by Tyce on the theme of “that’s life.” Sasha and Alexander felt that this dance showed who they are as people, so we all now know that Sasha is a person who would trip over her own feet and then blame it on an innocent lamppost (and yes, we have Tivo, so we can say for certain that the lamppost was nowhere near the scene of that stumble). Again, this was not a bad dance, and for once Alexander was able to outshine Sasha, which we’re sure felt good.

Jordan and Tadd had a Travis Wall contemporary piece, in which Jordan played a black vulture beast who takes advantage of weak men. Your reviewers have different opinions on this routine, but we both agree that it wasn’t up to Travis’s usual standards and that Jordan’s costume reminded us both of Natalie Portman in Black Swan, and we hope we don’t have cuticle-related nightmares tonight.

We also agree that that routine was practically a masterpiece compared with Jordan and Tadd’s next dance, which was a Broadway number choreographed by Spencer Liff. This was the story of a princess who has been asleep for 100 years (although the costume department may have thought she had just been asleep for 30 years, considering her 1980s-era hair and dress), when a prince awakens her with a kiss. At first we thought that Tadd (who was wearing the skirt that should’ve been in the paso doble) was going to be playing a pompous prince who gets rejected by the princess, but apparently he got less pompous over the course of the dance, or maybe he wasn’t ever meant to be pompous in the first place. Who knows? Who cares? Moving on…

Next up were Ryan and Ricky, dancing a Broadway routine by Spencer Liff in which a beautiful girl in a movie poster comes to life. Now, we have liked Ryan since the beginning, but we’re starting to think it’s time to say goodbye. You just cannot dress like Audrey Hepburn and then clomp around like a giant galumphagus. Despite some resulting awkward moments, this was overall a pleasant little bit of Broadway fluff, but nothing memorable, and the judges weren’t enthralled either.

Ryan and Ricky also danced a cha-cha by Louie van Amstel. This was better than we expected it to be, and Ricky was actually very good. Ryan and sexy, however, seem not to go together, and this is the first time in our recollection that Mary put half of a couple on the hot tamale train and left the other half standing on the platform.

Caitlynn and Mitchell danced a Christopher Scott hiphop routine, which was inspired by the children from Uganda and the Congo who are abducted and forced to fight in wars. We hate to have to tell someone to be less ambitious, but really, Christopher: this was terrible. Whatever story he was trying to tell was completely trampled by the utter lack of synchronization. Bad, bad, bad. (So we’re starting to feel really ornery and mean-spirited here, but we’re afraid we can’t stop just yet. Hang in there, though! We’ll say something pleasant within the next few paragraphs!)

Caitlynn and Mitchell’s second dance was a Travis Wall jazz routine about a woman who finds out that her man is married. One or both of them may also be rock stars; we weren’t completely clear on that. Nor were we completely clear on the story overall…she was flirting with him, then she was pushing him away, then being flirty, we guess in a taunting sort of way? The dancing was fine, and the judges loved this, but we’ve grown to expect outstanding from Travis, so we were disappointed.

Melanie and Marko were next, dancing a Louie van Amstel tango. This was very tango-like! It had a really jaw-droppingly amazing lift/flip thing at the end! And in the interest of being pleasant, we’ll barely even mention Melanie’s unflattering dress.

And now (cue harps: ahhhhh!), we get to the nice paragraph! Melanie and Marko’s second dance was a contemporary routine by Dee Caspary, and it was really lovely. It was about a woman trying to pull a man away from the dark, or into a deeper phase of their relationship, but it doesn’t really matter what it was about. It was beautiful and evocative and simple…just two people, a lightbulb, and some great dancing.

Our final set of dancers was Clarice and Jess. Their first dance was a lyrical hiphop routine by Christopher Scott. It was about a woman who is insecure about her beauty until a man reassures her that she’s gorgeous just as she is. Maybe it was the “you go, girl” message of that first paso doble, but we found this theme slightly annoying. Why must the girl be insecure? Why must it take a man to boost her self-esteem? Why must they use such cheesy props? But all that aside, Jess really did a great job with this. We didn’t have much faith in his hiphop abilities, but he has some swagger! Good job, Jess.

And the last dance was a jive performed by Clarice and Jess and choreographed by Tony and Melanie. Her dress was lavender and big, and the judges really liked this. We were exhausted at this point, so that’s all the notes we have on this one.

Whew.

Finally, here are our predictions for bottom three couples: Ryan & Ricky, Caitlynn & Mitchell, Jordan & Tadd. And our prediction for next week is that it’s going to be loads better: the all-stars appear! And even better: Margaret will be back! It’ll be grand!

Loads of dancing love to you and yours,
Your Guest Chroniclers

SYTYCD: Travis the Judge

I will get to Travis in a moment, but first things first: Cat walked out on the stage wearing vintage Gucci from the spring 2003 collection (Tom Ford, of course), and for those of you who think I dress like shit and know nothing about fashion, you can bite me because I bet none of you were able to ID that dress within 5 seconds. Years of buying Vogue has finally paid off, I say.

Next on the agenda: the guest judges. My initial thought on Carmen Electra: Why dear God is this woman here? My closing thought on Carmen Electra: Wait, I totally forgot she was there.

But Travis on the judging panel—angels in heaven wept…WEPT FOR JOY. Y’all know I love Travis, but just because his dancing and choreography are superb doesn’t mean a good judge he would make. However, he didn’t disappoint in that respect either. In fact, he was the best judge up there tonight—all season, actually—because he did what few judges seem to do anymore: critique the dancers. Maybe having once been a dancer on that stage, he knows exactly what the dancers need to hear: how to become an even better dancer.

One last thing about the judges: I may have to start keeping a Tan-O-Meter for Mary. I mean, this woman was the same color as her dress. WHICH WAS RED. I feel like you could contract a melanoma just brushing up against her backstage.

Anyway, the dancing tonight began with the top 7 guys in a routine by Justin Giles, a first-time choreographer on the show. The number possessed a subtle intensity and left me wanting to see more from Mr. Giles.

Marko and Melanie initiated the competition with a jazz routine by Ray Leeper, also new to SYTYCD and a heavy sweater. Dude, I can relate. So this was well-danced, and that is all I’ll say about that because now I need to write another Letter of Concern to the Costume Department. Dear Costume Department: What are you doing to our Dear Girl? You were only able to supply her with one stocking. Did you run out of stockings? And what was up with that skirt? No—let me answer that question for you: there was too much of it. Don’t do this to her next week or ever again. And don’t let these words fall on deaf ears or be read by one of your interns who will put this letter straightaway into the recycling bin.

Sasha and Alexander danced a hip-hop number by Shaun Evaristo, another new choreographer to the show. The question was whether Alexander could master swag: he could not. That along with the fact that there was no chemistry between our dancers didn’t help this number. This was not the best hip-hop choreography the show has seen, but had two very talented hip-hop dancers—say, Twitch and Comfort—taken this on, I might have felt differently.

Toni Redpath, a judge/choreographer I have yet to warm up to (for reasons not known but still very real in my soul, I imagine us as frenemies in real life), created a smooth waltz for Jordan and Tadd. It was a forgettable number and Jordan’s dress was unflattering. 

I wanted to see more from Justin after the guy’s group dance, and boy, did I ever! He choreographed a contemporary number for Clarice and Jess. This was really good. The story was about love coming to an end, and Justin incorporated staccato-like movements into the dance that made you feel the emotion of breaking hearts. Clarice and Jess really nailed this too. I agree with Travis: this was the best they have been so far.

Ashley and Chris danced a salsa by Liz Lira, who we can archive under NEW TO SYTYCD YET AGAIN TONIGHT. Sweet heavens this was bad. Chris’ face was very uncertain as were his moves. Jason and I felt a bit embarrassed for him. Luckily, Ashley’s navy blue dress was quite pretty. Take a note on that, Costume Department.

Ryan and Ricky were given a jazz number by Chucky whose last name I didn’t catch, but why would your last name matter when your first name is CHUCKY? Seriously? You are a grown man. It kind of disgusts me to say Chucky out loud and I even type that name with hesitation. Regardless, Chucky provided us with some unique choreography, which was also very well danced, although Ryan almost fell out of a turn at the end (sorry, I have to say something bad about her because she's one of those seemingly perfect people who I want to punch in the face merely because I am so far from perfect). The judges were reminded of Ramalama by Wade Robson, although Sexy Back (also by Wade) came to my mind first. (Both of these were from Season 2 and included Travis Wall—am I the only one who thinks the dancing was a lot more enjoyable back then, had a bit more life, made you smile a little more?)

Caitlynn and Mitchell got a Mandy Moore contemporary number paired with a Celine Dion song. Did this deserve a fist pump to the chest? Absolutely. It was superb. The lifts were beautiful. The judges stood up. Thank you Mandy Moore! This was by far the best performance of the night.

The top 7 girls finished the evening with a jazz routine by Ray Leeper. This I liked. It had a Chicago vibe to it and the ladies brought it.

In lieu of predictions for this week, I will share with you some news about next week: I will be away and unable to watch the show. But have no fear, the Guest Chroniclers will be here! Kate and Melissa—two of only three people in the world who I trust with the password to my Web site—are going to fill in for me. I’m looking forward to reading what they have to say once I return, and I’m sure my SYTYCD readers are looking forward to a refreshing perspective. I hope to bring one too when I come back.