The Chronicles of Marge

House Update: Summer 2011

So a few Saturdays ago—you know, the one that was 104 degrees and therefore made most of humanity incapable of movement—Jason and I sought refuge from the heat in the coolest place in our house: the basement. I thought we were going down there to organize the stuff we have but never use (and of which I should be ashamed), and, granted, we did a little of that. But lo and behold, I turned my back for five minutes and Jason had some box cutters and a pry bar in hand and was ripping up the edge of the carpet.

Back story: our basement mirrors the size of our upstairs, but only 400 square feet of the basement are considered finished. We’ve been in this house for almost 5 years and have largely ignored this “livable” area because it always seemed a bit gross and unappealing—aged carpet, yellow walls, unattractive ceiling tiles, windows that don’t open. As depressing as the basement may sound, it's a good representation of one of the main reasons we bought our house: by and large, the house was kind of depressing-looking and no one else in Durham wanted to buy a sad and unappealing house on a busy street in a sidewalk-free area of town. 

And that makes me think of the show House Hunters, which Jason and I watch a lot. Actually, Jason would revise that statement to say that his wife falls asleep during a lot of House Hunters, but what do you except when it’s past 9 p.m. and I’ve had a glass of wine, dude? Anyway, we are always amazed at the wish lists that folks have, particularly American buyers. They all want everything brand new and stainless steel. They want these giant bathrooms that I’m convinced they don’t realize they’ll have to clean one day. They want giant master bedrooms, which I guarantee will be used 80% of the time for sleeping and 20% of the time for collecting piles of dirty laundry. Lots of folks want a pool, and for that, you might as well write Pine Needles, Acorns, and Drowning Bugs at the top of your house hunting wish list because that’s what you are going to get unless you add Hot Young Pool Boy to the list and then, of course, by all means GET THE FREAKIN’ POOL AND INVITE ME OVER. And finally, everyone on House Hunters wants a tray ceiling—or rather they see the tray ceiling in the house and have a structural spiritual awakening thinking it means their house is well built and what not, to which I say, DIAGONAL SUBFLOORING, fools. (And yes, I realize I’ve probably offended most of my readership because you either have a tray ceiling or you have no idea what diagonal subflooring is and what that means in terms of the structure of your house, but still, The Chronicles are about life as Marge knows it and not about your tray ceilings and hot pool boys.) Anyway, apart from a low price, Jason and I had only three things on our house wish list: (1) the house needed a big sunny yard for the growing of tomatoes; (2) the house needed a full basement that could facilitate woodworking and give refuge to power tools and a Vogue magazine collection; and (3) the house needed to have good bones but otherwise look like a piece of shit so we wouldn’t feel bad about tearing it apart and putting it back together.

Needless to say, we got exactly what we wanted.

So back to the 104-degree day, which concerns Point 2 but pertains largely to Point 3 on our wish list...Jason and I ended up removing 400 square feet of carpet, 400 square feet of foam padding, and 400 square feet of tiles that had their heyday back in a middle school cafeteria built in 1972. We then discovered the concrete foundation of our house. It all looked something like this:

And then we went further, and it looked something like this:

Yes, we cut out some drywall JUST BECAUSE WE COULD.

But then we discovered something else. As Jason was removing some of the baseboards, he came across what every homeowner fears: a colony of termites, which was obviously not on our wish list. So instead of getting a new roof—which we still need to get sooner rather than later—we had to pony up what amounted to a mortgage payment to remove these little bastards from the premises, and from here on out, we’ll be paying, in essence, a yearly HOA fee to keep them from returning.

But at the end of the day, we can’t complain. If we had not be so hot aside or if we had an affinity for nasty old carpet, we might never have found the termites. And to be honest, Jason and I are just excited to be back at one of the things we do best: tearing shit up. It’s much easier than putting it all back together, although after you do put it all back together, you have the satisfaction of saying, damn, we’re good. And that looks something like this:

And if that seems unimpressive, consider that when we started it looked like this: 

And not only did we do it all by ourselves, WE ARE STILL MARRIED.

 

In Lieu of the Results, and in Honor of My Sister

SYTYCD devotees: I don't feel like writing about the results tonight, so I hope this is an okay substitution. Normal followers of The Chronicles: you can read this one too!

My sister Katharine turned 30 earlier this week. I sent her the following card—a booklet, actually—in the mail and just had to share it here because (a) I am so totally pleased with myself; (b) I want the world to know that my sister is worthy of a handmade card of this caliber; and (c) I know several ladies, including the Guest Chroniclers, who might enjoy the heck out of this. Oh, and my mother wants a look at it too. So Mr. Bingley, take it away!

(An aside: the last picture is from the 2008 version of Sense and Sensibility. It's Margaret Dashwood, who just so happens to look like Katharine did when she was a child. Sans the purple dress with the rainbow on the front and a pair of cowboy boots that my mother—I'm sure—made disappear one day long ago.)

The Finale: Amazing, Strong, Exciting, Magical...Yawn

I don’t feel like writing because I thought it was a pretty shitty finale. Nevertheless, let’s get bitchy and have at it, beginning with the obvious: Katie Holmes. As if there aren’t enough bad things going on in the world right now, there sat a woman who was incapable of saying a single original thing. Let me sum up her responses in four words: amazing, strong, exciting, magical. And now I will sum up how I felt about her presence on the show tonight in four words: just shoot me now.

Our other guest judge was nearly as robotic and boring: Kenny Ortega of Dirty Dancing fame. I will say nothing more about these two.

Marko and Melanie began the evening with a disco number by Doriana Sanchez. Oh dude, this was bad. The lifts…it pains me to speak of them. And two of the Judges We Won’t Name were all kissing ass and praising this atrocity. Thank the lord for Mary and Nigel, who stepped in and spoke the truth.

Sasha and Bleeding Love all-star Mark were given a Sonya Tayeh piece that was choreographed as an ode to Sasha. This was really well-danced, although I think Mark did a better job. However, I didn’t feel a great connection to the piece once it was over. But what I do remember is that during the commentary, the camera panned to the audience and we got a look at Legacy. This was a highlight of the evening for me. It’s almost like the producers knew that in a deep sea of mediocrity, the viewers might need something to give them hope.

Speaking of hope…JOSHUA!!! A collective cheer went up in the room when we heard Joshua was returning as an all-star. And if any of you are late comers to this show and keep wondering what I mean by earlier seasons having a spark that more recent seasons have not had, you just needed to watch his performance. Of course, Tadd was there too in this Lil’ C hip-hop piece, but it was really difficult to watch anything on stage except for Joshua. And did you see him hustle across the floor on his knees at the end? That, my friends, is how you bring it and then take it home with you.

Melanie and Robert were given a Stacey Tookey contemporary routine about unrequited love. I liked the part when Robert came into Melanie’s already held embrace, and there was some great side-by-side synchronization as well. Really beautiful, and one of my favorites of the night (as if that was hard to achieve), but I really appreciated most what Mary said about Melanie: that the room gets really quiet when Melanie dances.

Sasha and Marko were teamed for a dinner table Broadway number by Spencer Liff. This was pretty good, but nothing like Center Stage from last week. However, I applaud the costume department. I really want to wear that purple sparkly dress that Sasha donned, although I’m not sure the world needs to see that much of my upper thigh region.

Sasha was next paired with Tadd for a cha-cha by Mark Ballas. This was horrible on many levels, so many, that one of the Judges We Won’t Name didn’t have the balls to even comment on the dancing at all (I’m sure out of fear that her husband would disapprove and punish her by cutting bangs for himself that she would then have to watch in agony as they grow out). And the other Judge We Won’t Name said that it was too ambitious for tonight. To which I say: WTF? It’s the finale, fool. It should be ambitious. I mean, didn’t Baby successfully leap onto Johnny’s arms at the end-of-season revue at Kellerman’s? Yes she did, so if you can’t be ambitious on a finale, then you need to just pack it up and go home (and also refrain from remaking an already classic movie).

Marko and Lauren Froderman were given an excellent contemporary number by Tessandra Chavez. Y’all know how I feel about side-by-side synchronization and this was the best I’ve seen all season. The dance even included some mirrored movements as Marko and Lauren went in separate directions. This was expertly danced and expertly choreographed.

Ray Leeper choreographed a number about cheating danced by Melanie and Tadd. I wish the choreography department would realize that the pants that Olivia Newton-John wore in the final scene from Grease need to be left just there—in the final scene from Grease. Why they did that to Melanie is beyond me, but my guess is that someone wants her to lose the competition. Anyway, my personal opinion on this number may be unpopular: it was totally lame choreography, and I don’t care if Tadd ended up in his boxers by the end of the dance. It’s not like they were Manties. 

For the ladies, Stacey Tookey choreographed a contemporary number about a pair of suppressed housewives from the 1950s.  I would like to call this Mad Men, and although the show Mad Men does a great deal for me (hello, Jon Hamm!), this dance did very little.

Marko and Tadd ended the evening in a gumboot stepping routine by Chuck Maldonado. It reminded me of the garbage truck routine except these were miners and they were wearing big cheap Wellies. This was underwhelming, and the evening ended as it began.

Each dancer also performed a solo as if we haven’t seen all that before. Therefore, so I don’t end my post and our Season 8 finale on a totally bitchy note, I will say that Cat Deeley’s hair looked lovely and I adore the fact that she blushes when someone mentions her Emmy nomination. Seriously Cat, we are best friends but you just don’t know it yet!

 

SYTYCD: The Top 6

For our penultimate night of the competition, Christina Applegate and Lil’ C joined the judging panel.

An aside: I discovered that last night someone posted a comment on The Chronicles in reference to my Repeat Top 20 recap in which I had difficulty understanding some of what Lil’ C was saying, in particular the word mellifluous. I totally got it wrong in my post, and this comment, by someone named Jennifer, pointed out the error of my ways. Jennifer, first of all, let me thank you for enlightening me. Second, I don’t know who you are. I don’t know if you are a friend, an enemy, a stranger, or someone in between. Therefore, I shall speak from the heart, meaning without any inhibitions, and say thank you so much for pointing out to the Internet that I am obviously a dumbass because I couldn't find—“it only takes a minute of research”—the spelling of the word mellifluous. Point 1: Do you write these posts at 11 p.m. when you are effin’ tired and have already spent 8-9 hours of your day on a computer reading about things like osteoporosis and constipation? Point 2: Do you understand sarcasm? Or sharing a moment that can be enjoyed by all of humanity, a moment known as WTF Is That Crazy Person Talking About? Point 3: Do you have a sense of humor? Do you understand exaggeration? Like that time I told everyone on the Internet about how I overdosed on laxatives ON PURPOSE, and maybe that actually wasn’t an exaggeration but it is a good example of exaggeration and how to write for the purposes of entertainment.

I expect tonight to receive definitions for the words Magically and Magnificent. Anyway. 

Melanie and Twitch started the night with a T&N Little Red Riding Hood-themed hip-hop number. I love these two dancers, but I did not like this choreography. And what was with that face-on-crotch moment? Seriously, there should be a 5-second rule for that. Actually, there should be a 1-second rule for that.

Sasha and last season’s runner-up Kent were given a strong piece of choreography by Tyce DiOrio. These two dancers were literally up against a wall. This was an excellent use of a prop because it presented the emotional tension needed for this dance at which our dancers excelled. I think Christina verbalized well Sasha’s main strength when she said to Sasha: “you put a finger against a wall and it breaks my heart.”

Marko and Jannete were given a paso doble by Dmitry. I remember little about this dance, although Lil’ C gave the following quote: “It’s all about the crotch.” I think he said this on the wrong dance.

Tadd and Ellenore partnered for a Sonya number that started with a chair in the middle of the stage. And then out from nowhere came a chandelier! Another excellent use of props. I didn’t expect it at all, and I loved the ending where Tadd was just swinging lifelessly from the chandelier. However, the judges, particularly Nigel, seemed less impressed with this and felt that it was more prop than dance. But I thought it was unique and, as Mary said, daring choreography that showed Sonya was willing to grow as a choreographer.

Ricky and Jaimie (she of the hummingbird dance) were paired for a Dee Caspary contemporary piece in which Ricky played the conductor (sticks included). This was very beautiful and effortless in movement. And good lord, does Jaimie have great legs or what? She was definitely well matched with Ricky’s long, lean lines.

Caitlynn and Pasha danced a samba choreographed by Dmitry. PASHA IN AN UNBUTTONED SHIRT. Sorry, that’s all I have.

Sasha and Ricky got the first ever waacking routine of the show. This style comes from Los Angeles in the 1970s. Apparently a lady named Princess Lockaroo tried out for the show in this style, but did not make it to the top 20. Anyway, the first thing I must say is that Sasha’s skirt was terrible. It looked like it was made out of a giant condom. Second, the dance seemed like a cheerleading routine to me, and I don’t know if that was the fault of the dancers or the style of dance.

When I saw that Melanie and Tadd would be in a Broadway number by Spencer Liff, my heart sank. Broadway is often so bad on this show. And then there was the premise: a choreographer and his dancer—also known as Center Stage, fools. And if you haven’t seen that movie, put it in the queue because it is Play It Now and it is the best horrifically embarrassing movie ever. And in advance, you’re welcome. Anyway, this was the best Broadway we’ve seen on this show. The movements were not extremely fast, but that allowed the dancers, particularly Melanie, to give the dance the full power and passion that it deserved. And that mirrored section…y’all know I loved that.

Caitlynn and Marko closed the evening with a Sonya jazz routine about a woman getting away from a controlling man. A familiar SYTYCD theme, but masterfully done. The judges gave it a standing ovation. That moment where he dropped her and then flipped over her—that is why I watch this show.

Solo notes:

• Ricky: Fine. His stature reminds me of Danny from Season 3 (but, of course, Danny was better).
• Caitlynn: A lot of hair flailing.
• Tadd: Not his best solo. Ended with a shot of his crotch.
• Sasha: She has a very narrow waist.
• Marko: Average.
• Melanie: Excellent and innovative. Other dancers need to take note.
• Though not technically a solo…Mary Murphy’s pancake cleavage: Seriously woman, mine started heading south in my late 20s and I don’t even have boobs, so please give those girls the support they deserve and my eyes the rest they need.