The Chronicles of Marge

Turkey and Stuffing

Dear VOGUE,

Your contents this month are not as bland and shallow as December issues often are, and your cast of models is much more diverse than normal. Congratulations! However, I have two points.

First, when the hell did VOGUE become US Weekly? I know economic times are tough and that tabloid fodder probably sells better than a headline announcing Reality as a $500 gift, but did you have to reach your arms of inclusion so wide in an attempt to increase sales? Did you have to immerse yourself in the tit-for-tat war of words between Angelina Mother Goddess Who We All Secretly Have a Crush On Jolie and Jennifer One-Time Favorite Girl Next Door Who Needs to Quit Trying so Hard Aniston? The quote from Jennifer Aniston on your cover about how what Angelina did was uncool is just a little too tabloid for me. In addition, you didn’t add all the ellipses and whatnot to indicate that words are missing. Was this really the only headline-worthy tidbit in all 5 pages of tiny interview text?

The next thing we know, there will be a March issue with the headline “Celebrities: They Are Just Like Us!” splashed across the ass crack of Britney Spears as she bends over a 12-pack of toilet paper that she couldn’t quite get a handle on and dropped in the parking lot of the local Food Lion (you know, if they had a Food Lion in Southern California).

This is not acceptable.

Neither is this:

Point two: There’s nothing that says “Holiday Romance” quite like the look of constipation.

Jennifer: I could have suggested some remedies for this.

VOGUE: I am upset and not sharing these remedies with you. Enjoy that turkey and stuffing, oh yeah.

Marge

Pants, Trousers, or Breeches

Dear VOGUE,

Your April issue has received quite a lot of attention outside the world of crazy fashionistas and fashionista wannabes (I believe there is at least one of the latter living in Durham). I’ve actually seen discussion about the issue on legitimate news Web sites, which is very rare for a fashion publication, even one as lofty as VOGUE. However, you brought it on yourself with the cover. Am I applauding it? No. Am I condemning it? No. Will I critique it? But of course.

The masses have raised their voices in righteous indignation about racism and the stereotypical roles of men and women. It’s all very relevant, probably accurate, and possibly even justified. However, it’s just boring if you ask me. So I’ll leave all that shit to the intellectuals of the world who have only vastly important things to discuss apparently all of the time, and I’ll tell you what the real problem with you cover shot is.

THERE’S SOMEBODY ON THE COVER OF VOGUE WEARING A DAMN PAIR OF SHORTS.

I don’t care if the issue highlights athleticism. I don’t care if the issue highlights the body’s shape. I don’t care if the cover was shot in Death Valley in July and folks are about to pass out from the heat (and this cover was obviously not shot in the desert). You just don’t put shorts on the cover of a fashion magazine. And do you know why? Because shorts are very rarely an acceptable form of clothing. Yes, LeBron wears them to work. Yes, I wear them while riding a bike or hiking. Yes, I wear them on a beach. However, I think playing sports and sunburning yourself in the sand is the extent of the corral in which we hold the cattle.

Now some of you may say, “I love shorts; I wear them all of the time.” Fine, whatever, do your thing. But don’t kid yourself that it’s always a good thing to do. I mean, do shorts ever make any woman’s ass look good? Do you ever stand there in your shorts while looking in a mirror and say, “Yep, I’m 30ish, and I’ve got a lot of good stuff going on in this here region nicely accentuated by my shorts.” And whereas men can more confidently wear the short, it’s not a form of clothing I would endorse for their sex either. Wearing a pair of shorts for a man is just a slippery slope to wearing flip-flops, and flip-flops on a man do nothing positive for the man. So please, gentlemen, stay away from shorts, lest you end up in a more unsightly state of dress.

Anyway, back to the issue at hand, VOGUE. Why not a Prada suit or one of those slick numbers from Dior Homme? Could you not find a suit big enough for LeBron? Did you not look into hiring a tailor for the shoot? I’m sure you could have found someone happy to work on LeBron’s inseam. I’ll even let you keep the basketball. I will. But the next time that you stage a similar cover, just put the man in a pair of full-length trousers and maintain your status as a magazine worthy of telling people how to dress. They may not listen, but at least they’ll have a good example to follow.

Much love,

A Reader Who Proudly Wears Pants