The Chronicles of Marge

The Finale: Amazing, Strong, Exciting, Magical...Yawn

I don’t feel like writing because I thought it was a pretty shitty finale. Nevertheless, let’s get bitchy and have at it, beginning with the obvious: Katie Holmes. As if there aren’t enough bad things going on in the world right now, there sat a woman who was incapable of saying a single original thing. Let me sum up her responses in four words: amazing, strong, exciting, magical. And now I will sum up how I felt about her presence on the show tonight in four words: just shoot me now.

Our other guest judge was nearly as robotic and boring: Kenny Ortega of Dirty Dancing fame. I will say nothing more about these two.

Marko and Melanie began the evening with a disco number by Doriana Sanchez. Oh dude, this was bad. The lifts…it pains me to speak of them. And two of the Judges We Won’t Name were all kissing ass and praising this atrocity. Thank the lord for Mary and Nigel, who stepped in and spoke the truth.

Sasha and Bleeding Love all-star Mark were given a Sonya Tayeh piece that was choreographed as an ode to Sasha. This was really well-danced, although I think Mark did a better job. However, I didn’t feel a great connection to the piece once it was over. But what I do remember is that during the commentary, the camera panned to the audience and we got a look at Legacy. This was a highlight of the evening for me. It’s almost like the producers knew that in a deep sea of mediocrity, the viewers might need something to give them hope.

Speaking of hope…JOSHUA!!! A collective cheer went up in the room when we heard Joshua was returning as an all-star. And if any of you are late comers to this show and keep wondering what I mean by earlier seasons having a spark that more recent seasons have not had, you just needed to watch his performance. Of course, Tadd was there too in this Lil’ C hip-hop piece, but it was really difficult to watch anything on stage except for Joshua. And did you see him hustle across the floor on his knees at the end? That, my friends, is how you bring it and then take it home with you.

Melanie and Robert were given a Stacey Tookey contemporary routine about unrequited love. I liked the part when Robert came into Melanie’s already held embrace, and there was some great side-by-side synchronization as well. Really beautiful, and one of my favorites of the night (as if that was hard to achieve), but I really appreciated most what Mary said about Melanie: that the room gets really quiet when Melanie dances.

Sasha and Marko were teamed for a dinner table Broadway number by Spencer Liff. This was pretty good, but nothing like Center Stage from last week. However, I applaud the costume department. I really want to wear that purple sparkly dress that Sasha donned, although I’m not sure the world needs to see that much of my upper thigh region.

Sasha was next paired with Tadd for a cha-cha by Mark Ballas. This was horrible on many levels, so many, that one of the Judges We Won’t Name didn’t have the balls to even comment on the dancing at all (I’m sure out of fear that her husband would disapprove and punish her by cutting bangs for himself that she would then have to watch in agony as they grow out). And the other Judge We Won’t Name said that it was too ambitious for tonight. To which I say: WTF? It’s the finale, fool. It should be ambitious. I mean, didn’t Baby successfully leap onto Johnny’s arms at the end-of-season revue at Kellerman’s? Yes she did, so if you can’t be ambitious on a finale, then you need to just pack it up and go home (and also refrain from remaking an already classic movie).

Marko and Lauren Froderman were given an excellent contemporary number by Tessandra Chavez. Y’all know how I feel about side-by-side synchronization and this was the best I’ve seen all season. The dance even included some mirrored movements as Marko and Lauren went in separate directions. This was expertly danced and expertly choreographed.

Ray Leeper choreographed a number about cheating danced by Melanie and Tadd. I wish the choreography department would realize that the pants that Olivia Newton-John wore in the final scene from Grease need to be left just there—in the final scene from Grease. Why they did that to Melanie is beyond me, but my guess is that someone wants her to lose the competition. Anyway, my personal opinion on this number may be unpopular: it was totally lame choreography, and I don’t care if Tadd ended up in his boxers by the end of the dance. It’s not like they were Manties. 

For the ladies, Stacey Tookey choreographed a contemporary number about a pair of suppressed housewives from the 1950s.  I would like to call this Mad Men, and although the show Mad Men does a great deal for me (hello, Jon Hamm!), this dance did very little.

Marko and Tadd ended the evening in a gumboot stepping routine by Chuck Maldonado. It reminded me of the garbage truck routine except these were miners and they were wearing big cheap Wellies. This was underwhelming, and the evening ended as it began.

Each dancer also performed a solo as if we haven’t seen all that before. Therefore, so I don’t end my post and our Season 8 finale on a totally bitchy note, I will say that Cat Deeley’s hair looked lovely and I adore the fact that she blushes when someone mentions her Emmy nomination. Seriously Cat, we are best friends but you just don’t know it yet!

 

SYTYCD: The Top 6

For our penultimate night of the competition, Christina Applegate and Lil’ C joined the judging panel.

An aside: I discovered that last night someone posted a comment on The Chronicles in reference to my Repeat Top 20 recap in which I had difficulty understanding some of what Lil’ C was saying, in particular the word mellifluous. I totally got it wrong in my post, and this comment, by someone named Jennifer, pointed out the error of my ways. Jennifer, first of all, let me thank you for enlightening me. Second, I don’t know who you are. I don’t know if you are a friend, an enemy, a stranger, or someone in between. Therefore, I shall speak from the heart, meaning without any inhibitions, and say thank you so much for pointing out to the Internet that I am obviously a dumbass because I couldn't find—“it only takes a minute of research”—the spelling of the word mellifluous. Point 1: Do you write these posts at 11 p.m. when you are effin’ tired and have already spent 8-9 hours of your day on a computer reading about things like osteoporosis and constipation? Point 2: Do you understand sarcasm? Or sharing a moment that can be enjoyed by all of humanity, a moment known as WTF Is That Crazy Person Talking About? Point 3: Do you have a sense of humor? Do you understand exaggeration? Like that time I told everyone on the Internet about how I overdosed on laxatives ON PURPOSE, and maybe that actually wasn’t an exaggeration but it is a good example of exaggeration and how to write for the purposes of entertainment.

I expect tonight to receive definitions for the words Magically and Magnificent. Anyway. 

Melanie and Twitch started the night with a T&N Little Red Riding Hood-themed hip-hop number. I love these two dancers, but I did not like this choreography. And what was with that face-on-crotch moment? Seriously, there should be a 5-second rule for that. Actually, there should be a 1-second rule for that.

Sasha and last season’s runner-up Kent were given a strong piece of choreography by Tyce DiOrio. These two dancers were literally up against a wall. This was an excellent use of a prop because it presented the emotional tension needed for this dance at which our dancers excelled. I think Christina verbalized well Sasha’s main strength when she said to Sasha: “you put a finger against a wall and it breaks my heart.”

Marko and Jannete were given a paso doble by Dmitry. I remember little about this dance, although Lil’ C gave the following quote: “It’s all about the crotch.” I think he said this on the wrong dance.

Tadd and Ellenore partnered for a Sonya number that started with a chair in the middle of the stage. And then out from nowhere came a chandelier! Another excellent use of props. I didn’t expect it at all, and I loved the ending where Tadd was just swinging lifelessly from the chandelier. However, the judges, particularly Nigel, seemed less impressed with this and felt that it was more prop than dance. But I thought it was unique and, as Mary said, daring choreography that showed Sonya was willing to grow as a choreographer.

Ricky and Jaimie (she of the hummingbird dance) were paired for a Dee Caspary contemporary piece in which Ricky played the conductor (sticks included). This was very beautiful and effortless in movement. And good lord, does Jaimie have great legs or what? She was definitely well matched with Ricky’s long, lean lines.

Caitlynn and Pasha danced a samba choreographed by Dmitry. PASHA IN AN UNBUTTONED SHIRT. Sorry, that’s all I have.

Sasha and Ricky got the first ever waacking routine of the show. This style comes from Los Angeles in the 1970s. Apparently a lady named Princess Lockaroo tried out for the show in this style, but did not make it to the top 20. Anyway, the first thing I must say is that Sasha’s skirt was terrible. It looked like it was made out of a giant condom. Second, the dance seemed like a cheerleading routine to me, and I don’t know if that was the fault of the dancers or the style of dance.

When I saw that Melanie and Tadd would be in a Broadway number by Spencer Liff, my heart sank. Broadway is often so bad on this show. And then there was the premise: a choreographer and his dancer—also known as Center Stage, fools. And if you haven’t seen that movie, put it in the queue because it is Play It Now and it is the best horrifically embarrassing movie ever. And in advance, you’re welcome. Anyway, this was the best Broadway we’ve seen on this show. The movements were not extremely fast, but that allowed the dancers, particularly Melanie, to give the dance the full power and passion that it deserved. And that mirrored section…y’all know I loved that.

Caitlynn and Marko closed the evening with a Sonya jazz routine about a woman getting away from a controlling man. A familiar SYTYCD theme, but masterfully done. The judges gave it a standing ovation. That moment where he dropped her and then flipped over her—that is why I watch this show.

Solo notes:

• Ricky: Fine. His stature reminds me of Danny from Season 3 (but, of course, Danny was better).
• Caitlynn: A lot of hair flailing.
• Tadd: Not his best solo. Ended with a shot of his crotch.
• Sasha: She has a very narrow waist.
• Marko: Average.
• Melanie: Excellent and innovative. Other dancers need to take note.
• Though not technically a solo…Mary Murphy’s pancake cleavage: Seriously woman, mine started heading south in my late 20s and I don’t even have boobs, so please give those girls the support they deserve and my eyes the rest they need.

 

Not Surprisingly, the Lady Wore Giant Shoes

Y’all: I can’t believe I’m going to say this, but I really loved Lady Gaga as a judge tonight. My opinion of her up to this point could probably best be filed under The Crazy, but she was well spoken, provided criticism and not just praise, and had some fairly witty things to say. She was everything I imagined she would not be. And I loved her for it.

On the other hand, the other guest job, Rob Marshall, looked like a walking terror alert. Seriously, this is why tanning and Botox are bad for you. No one should be more orange than Mary Murphy. And thus, I will speak no more of him because he deserves it not.

Now on to the dancing, which tonight was tremendous indeed. Each contestant danced with an all-star first and then our remaining eight were paired with each other.

Sasha and Pasha began the evening with a Jonathan Roberts quick step. I loved Sasha’s dress. However, although this was well-danced and included Pasha, I felt Sasha was a bit too stiff for the style.

Caitlynn was paired with Ivan in a hip-hop number by Marty Kudelka. Now an aside: so each season has a dancer that I always wish would just go away but for some reason ends up making it through round after round (e.g., Jess in the current season, Evan from Season 5, Neil from Season 3). Ivan was that dancer for me in Season 2 (although, let’s remind ourselves why we miss Shane Sparks). I just didn’t get what everyone else got with him. So it was quite unnerving to hear he was an all-star. Well, he still looks like he’s 12, but he can kick ass when it comes to hip-hop, even unmemorable lyrical hip-hop like he was given tonight. Caitlynn, God bless her, was there, but she had no swag compared with her partner.

Tyce DiOrio redeemed himself after last week’s Broadway tragedy in a jazz number danced by Jordan and Ade. This was great fun to watch and had an excellent 80s feel to it. Of course, with Jordan, we got a lot of crotch, albeit one housed in a romper, to which I say, really?? No adult woman should ever wear a romper. Bunching fabric over the lower abdominal region never did anyone any good.

Melanie!! Dawson’s Shirtless Creek!! Mandy Moore!! Total Eclipse of the Heart!! Regardless of what the judges said later in the show, this was my favorite dance of the night. Mandy Moore has a long history of rocking my world, and she did not disappoint tonight. Lucky for her, Melanie got this dance because who else would have had the passion and control to take that amazing leap across the stage and into the arms of Dawson? This one got a standing ovation from the judges, which revealed that Gaga was 2 feet taller than Nigel—who knew?

Ricky and Anya were given a Jason Gilkinson jive set to a Celine Dion song, I kid you not even though I wish I could. It was such a bad combination of dance and song that I was completely unable to watch the number except that bit where Anya flipped Ricky over by the neck.

Jess was paired with Lauren Gottleib for a T&N hip-hop routine. I really hoped Jess would suck at this so people wouldn’t vote for him, but alas, he danced just fine. Although I don’t think his performance matters because people are going to vote for him regardless—and by people, I mean the same people who throw their panties on stage at a Clay Aiken concert. To which I say: you are a 57-year-old woman who needs to go home and get laid because that is sad. And also, don’t vote for people like Jess anymore.

Last season’s winner, Lauren Frodeman, joined Tadd in a Mandy Moore heist piece. Again, excellent choreography. Excellent music. Excellent costumes. Mandy Moore  was two for two! Lauren and Tadd were incredible. That was a lot of fun.

Marko and Allison danced a contemporary routine by Sonya. This number not only put the judges on their feet, but it put tears on their faces. Gaga cried, Marko cried. Marko’s mother cried and also did a lot of reaching toward the heavens or something. Anyway, this was exceptionally well danced—do not get me wrong—however, I have a bone to pick about the music. That Jeff Buckley song lent nothing to the choreography or emotion of the dance. It was a bad choice and I think the dance would have been better had the music been different.

Cailtynn and Tadd were given a fox trot by Jonathan Roberts. This is not a style of dance that will be remembered tomorrow, although Tadd and Caitlynn both did a great job. What I will remember, however, is that dress! Forget the dancing, all I wanted was to put that dress on and spin around. And then spin around some more.

Marko and Ricky were teamed up in a T&N hip-hop piece about badass waste management technicians. This could have been really good hip-hop, but our dancers were not always in synch, and because Marko was stronger than Ricky, I felt the dance was a bit lopsided. I bet Dominic and Twitch would have given this dance what it needed. But who cares, because Lady Gaga took the opportunity to totally diss T&N for the use of props, which she didn’t think added much to the dance.

Jordan and Jess got a Jason Gilkinson rumba. Sweet lord, who thought that dress looked good on Jordan because a giant piece of red fringe that leaves the hips exposed to the elements does not flatter any female form. Therefore, the dancing and definitely Jess didn’t even register in my mind because I kept hoping that Jordan’s terrible dress would at least stay on for the entire performance. Thank God it did. And thank God Lady Gaga also dissed this choreography. That woman has balls.

Sasha and Melanie ended the night with a Sonya jazz routine that all of the judges thought was the best of the night. Gaga even threw one of her giant fashion catheter shoes on stage and then gave the other one to Sonya. I agree—I loved this. However, I want to talk a bit about our dancers. I think Melanie was stronger than Sasha. It was subtle, but she seemed to get into the Sonya-ness of the movements more than Sasha, whose movements retained a slight smooth quality throughout.

But really, at this point, no one gives a shit about Marge’s critique of the dancing, so I will shut up now and go to sleep. May you all dream of spinning around in that feathered dress all night long.

 

Season 8: The Top 10

First of all, a huge thank you to Kate and Melissa, our Guest Chroniclers from last week!! They outdid themselves. Our dream now is to figure out a way to watch the finale together and then we could post the greatest SYTYCD recap ever. But alas, there are many miles between Durham and Charlottesville for a weekday and it may never happen. Nonetheless, I keep hope alive for teleportation (as well as a chance encounter with aliens). 

So back to this week: Neil Patrick Harris was our lone guest judge. Producers, I thank you. This is exactly what America needs when it comes to guest judges: intelligence and eloquence.

Tonight, our top 10 dancers performed twice: once as a solo and once paired with an all-star. Marko started the evening off with Chelsie Hightower in a Jason Gilkinson samba. Dear lord, this was a terrible song, and it was credited to Kate Hudson. Do they mean Kate Hudson the actress? Well if so, girlfriend needs to stick with acting even if she does play the same character all of the time. It's a strategy that works well for Julia Roberts, so why not Kate Hudson? Anyway, the lifts in this piece were really nice, and Marko did an excellent job. I was glad to hear Mary praise his technical abilities as well. But what was going on with Chelsie from the neck up? She’s looking a bit weathered in a Playboy bunny sort of way. Chelsie: I implore you to take some advice from one of my favorite Hollywood icons, that would be Cher of course, and strive to turn back time before it is too late.

Jordan and Brandon—the lucky dogs—were given a Desmond Richardson and Dwight Rhoden contemporary routine. Personally, I’m glad to see Brandon, The Lord of the Manties, again. I always enjoyed him as a dancer, and apparently so did Desmond and Dwight because this choreography was perfect for him. I mean, that double aerial into a side split…speechless! In fact, this was basically the Brandon Shirtless Show accompanied by periodic viewings of Jordan’s crotch. But regardless, it was really beautiful, and exactly what we expect from Desmond and Dwight.

Tadd was paired with Comfort for a hip-hop routine by Chuck Mac-something-or-another (sorry, dude, I completely missed your name). Although this was real hip-hop compared with all the lyrical stuff we usually see, it didn’t compel me in the least. And the song was irritating and distracting. No one needs to ever talk that fast or dance to music in which someone talks that fast. Nevertheless, Tadd did a great job. In fact, Nigel said Tadd out-danced Comfort. LIKE THAT IS REALLY HARD TO DO.

Mitchell was paired with some chick named Melodie from season 1, which means that I don’t know her because I didn’t know this show existed back then and therefore I have no emotional connection with her. Sadly to say, no connection was made tonight because Tyce DiOrio choreographed the worst Broadway I have ever seen from him. The music was atrocious. The movements were boring. Neil Patrick Harris didn’t like at all and made that very clear, and I commend him for that because it takes balls to basically tell Tyce DiOrio that you can’t shit this stuff out and think we are not going to notice.

And then the Women of the World had to pour themselves a cold glass of water because Caitlynn, lucky gal, scored Pasha and an Argentine tango on her first all-star outing. Y’all: this is how smoldering is done. Slowly, confidently, and with a Russian ballroom dancer at your side. This was Argentine tango at its best.

Sasha and Twitch, another all-star favorite of mine, got a Christopher Scott hip-hop routine. This was accompanied by a slow song, but no matter—with the right choreography and dancers, hip-hop moves can be paired with any type of music. In fact, this was good hip-hop. I totally loved it, and so did the judges.

Jess and Kathryn were given a contemporary routine by Stacey Tookey. The choreography was beautiful, and Kathryn was great, but I would have loved to have seen this danced by another guy, someone like Ade or Joshua, because Kathryn totally outshined Jess. Granted, the judges felt it was Jess’s best work to date, and I must agree with that point, but I still don’t like him at all.

Melanie and PASHA AGAIN! danced a Viennese waltz by Jason Gilkinson. Male Contestants of SYTYCD: This is how shirtless should be done, so take notes and if you can’t do shirtless this way, then keep your shirt on, fools. Anyway, Melanie must have enjoyed the shit out of that. I mean, I would have. It was beautiful and flowing; it had Pasha; and Melanie is the best female dancer I have seen since Katee Shean graced the stage.

So Tyce was able to redeem himself with a jazz number performed by Ricky and Allison. The theme was about a bad dream, which I failed to get, but whatever. It was superbly danced, especially that lift where Ricky grabbed Allison by the leg and pulled her up. I didn’t expect that. I also didn’t expect Ricky to be wearing some type of red cloth scraps on his ass. As my grandmother would say: I could have done without that.

Clarice and Robert ended the couple’s dances with a Nakul Bollywood number. And could there be a better male choice for Bollywood than Robert, particularly when he is dressed in shiny purple pants? Never. You could tell he loved it. And Clarice brought it too, and I applaud her for that. 

Solos can be absolutely boring; I hate to waste time on them. But here’s a brief recap in case you really want to know my thoughts on our top 10:

• Sasha: A lot of writhing on the floor. Also, such a big shirt made me wonder where her pants were.
• Jess: Who is voting for this tiny little man?
• Melanie: That was the best solo I’ve seen all season.
• Ricky: We’ve seen this solo before. Many times before.
• Clarice: She had tulle attached to one of her hips. Dear God why?
• Mitchell: White shorts and no shirt should be filed under Don’t Even, I Wouldn’t. And then one leg was bunched up and the shorts looked like a diaper. Really, if you are going to go shirtless, just man up, wear some Manties, and put it all out there.
• Jordan: We were guessing the number of crotch shots she would show and went with 5, but she disappointed us with only 2.5.
• Tadd: B-boys are always fairly entertaining.
• Caitlynn: Hip tulle AGAIN??
• Marko. Dude, don’t dance to a Gavin de Graw song. Ever. Again.

SYTYCD: The Guest Chroniclers Strike Again

Hello, SYTYCD fans! It’s Kate and Melissa again, making our once-a-season appearance on the Chronicles while Marge is away. We are proud to announce that, though you won’t have the incomparable Marge in your Google Reader tomorrow morning, at least you’ll have something! And speaking of filling in, after the past few weeks, we were all ready to call up Fox and volunteer as guest judges. After all, we may not be famous, but (a) we aren’t afraid to offer constructive criticism, (b) we don’t have annoying catch-phrases like SHUT THE FRONT DOOR!!! and (c) we are virtually* guaranteed not to smooch any of our fellow judges (*unless one of our fellow judges happened to be Daniel Craig, in which case we might not be able to help ourselves, and yes we know he’s recently married but we can’t talk about that without getting emotional so for heaven’s sake let’s change the subject). Ahem. Anyway….this week, the guest judge was Jesse Tyler Ferguson of Modern Family, who actually did a fine job. He was funny, and he recognized that Cat is the best ever reality show host, and we completely agree! We love her even when she’s shiny and orange and wearing a dress that makes her look like an ostrich from the waist down!

As for the dancing, we felt a bit meh about this one. Each couple danced twice (which we suspect is why Marge chose this week to head out of town…QUITE the coincidence there, we think), so we’ve lumped both dances together for each couple below.

Sasha and Alexander were up first in a paso doble by Tony and Melanie. This dance was envisioned as a battle, and Sasha was definitely up for the challenge: it really showcased her powerful style (and kind of made Alexander look like a marshmallow). We liked the girl-power, women-can-do-anything message (that’s right, we don’t HAVE to be the cape anymore, ladies!), but when it comes right down to it, skirt-swishing is just part of the paso doble, so the absence of a skirt was somewhat jarring. But overall good and the judges liked it too.

Their next dance was a jazz routine by Tyce on the theme of “that’s life.” Sasha and Alexander felt that this dance showed who they are as people, so we all now know that Sasha is a person who would trip over her own feet and then blame it on an innocent lamppost (and yes, we have Tivo, so we can say for certain that the lamppost was nowhere near the scene of that stumble). Again, this was not a bad dance, and for once Alexander was able to outshine Sasha, which we’re sure felt good.

Jordan and Tadd had a Travis Wall contemporary piece, in which Jordan played a black vulture beast who takes advantage of weak men. Your reviewers have different opinions on this routine, but we both agree that it wasn’t up to Travis’s usual standards and that Jordan’s costume reminded us both of Natalie Portman in Black Swan, and we hope we don’t have cuticle-related nightmares tonight.

We also agree that that routine was practically a masterpiece compared with Jordan and Tadd’s next dance, which was a Broadway number choreographed by Spencer Liff. This was the story of a princess who has been asleep for 100 years (although the costume department may have thought she had just been asleep for 30 years, considering her 1980s-era hair and dress), when a prince awakens her with a kiss. At first we thought that Tadd (who was wearing the skirt that should’ve been in the paso doble) was going to be playing a pompous prince who gets rejected by the princess, but apparently he got less pompous over the course of the dance, or maybe he wasn’t ever meant to be pompous in the first place. Who knows? Who cares? Moving on…

Next up were Ryan and Ricky, dancing a Broadway routine by Spencer Liff in which a beautiful girl in a movie poster comes to life. Now, we have liked Ryan since the beginning, but we’re starting to think it’s time to say goodbye. You just cannot dress like Audrey Hepburn and then clomp around like a giant galumphagus. Despite some resulting awkward moments, this was overall a pleasant little bit of Broadway fluff, but nothing memorable, and the judges weren’t enthralled either.

Ryan and Ricky also danced a cha-cha by Louie van Amstel. This was better than we expected it to be, and Ricky was actually very good. Ryan and sexy, however, seem not to go together, and this is the first time in our recollection that Mary put half of a couple on the hot tamale train and left the other half standing on the platform.

Caitlynn and Mitchell danced a Christopher Scott hiphop routine, which was inspired by the children from Uganda and the Congo who are abducted and forced to fight in wars. We hate to have to tell someone to be less ambitious, but really, Christopher: this was terrible. Whatever story he was trying to tell was completely trampled by the utter lack of synchronization. Bad, bad, bad. (So we’re starting to feel really ornery and mean-spirited here, but we’re afraid we can’t stop just yet. Hang in there, though! We’ll say something pleasant within the next few paragraphs!)

Caitlynn and Mitchell’s second dance was a Travis Wall jazz routine about a woman who finds out that her man is married. One or both of them may also be rock stars; we weren’t completely clear on that. Nor were we completely clear on the story overall…she was flirting with him, then she was pushing him away, then being flirty, we guess in a taunting sort of way? The dancing was fine, and the judges loved this, but we’ve grown to expect outstanding from Travis, so we were disappointed.

Melanie and Marko were next, dancing a Louie van Amstel tango. This was very tango-like! It had a really jaw-droppingly amazing lift/flip thing at the end! And in the interest of being pleasant, we’ll barely even mention Melanie’s unflattering dress.

And now (cue harps: ahhhhh!), we get to the nice paragraph! Melanie and Marko’s second dance was a contemporary routine by Dee Caspary, and it was really lovely. It was about a woman trying to pull a man away from the dark, or into a deeper phase of their relationship, but it doesn’t really matter what it was about. It was beautiful and evocative and simple…just two people, a lightbulb, and some great dancing.

Our final set of dancers was Clarice and Jess. Their first dance was a lyrical hiphop routine by Christopher Scott. It was about a woman who is insecure about her beauty until a man reassures her that she’s gorgeous just as she is. Maybe it was the “you go, girl” message of that first paso doble, but we found this theme slightly annoying. Why must the girl be insecure? Why must it take a man to boost her self-esteem? Why must they use such cheesy props? But all that aside, Jess really did a great job with this. We didn’t have much faith in his hiphop abilities, but he has some swagger! Good job, Jess.

And the last dance was a jive performed by Clarice and Jess and choreographed by Tony and Melanie. Her dress was lavender and big, and the judges really liked this. We were exhausted at this point, so that’s all the notes we have on this one.

Whew.

Finally, here are our predictions for bottom three couples: Ryan & Ricky, Caitlynn & Mitchell, Jordan & Tadd. And our prediction for next week is that it’s going to be loads better: the all-stars appear! And even better: Margaret will be back! It’ll be grand!

Loads of dancing love to you and yours,
Your Guest Chroniclers

SYTYCD: Travis the Judge

I will get to Travis in a moment, but first things first: Cat walked out on the stage wearing vintage Gucci from the spring 2003 collection (Tom Ford, of course), and for those of you who think I dress like shit and know nothing about fashion, you can bite me because I bet none of you were able to ID that dress within 5 seconds. Years of buying Vogue has finally paid off, I say.

Next on the agenda: the guest judges. My initial thought on Carmen Electra: Why dear God is this woman here? My closing thought on Carmen Electra: Wait, I totally forgot she was there.

But Travis on the judging panel—angels in heaven wept…WEPT FOR JOY. Y’all know I love Travis, but just because his dancing and choreography are superb doesn’t mean a good judge he would make. However, he didn’t disappoint in that respect either. In fact, he was the best judge up there tonight—all season, actually—because he did what few judges seem to do anymore: critique the dancers. Maybe having once been a dancer on that stage, he knows exactly what the dancers need to hear: how to become an even better dancer.

One last thing about the judges: I may have to start keeping a Tan-O-Meter for Mary. I mean, this woman was the same color as her dress. WHICH WAS RED. I feel like you could contract a melanoma just brushing up against her backstage.

Anyway, the dancing tonight began with the top 7 guys in a routine by Justin Giles, a first-time choreographer on the show. The number possessed a subtle intensity and left me wanting to see more from Mr. Giles.

Marko and Melanie initiated the competition with a jazz routine by Ray Leeper, also new to SYTYCD and a heavy sweater. Dude, I can relate. So this was well-danced, and that is all I’ll say about that because now I need to write another Letter of Concern to the Costume Department. Dear Costume Department: What are you doing to our Dear Girl? You were only able to supply her with one stocking. Did you run out of stockings? And what was up with that skirt? No—let me answer that question for you: there was too much of it. Don’t do this to her next week or ever again. And don’t let these words fall on deaf ears or be read by one of your interns who will put this letter straightaway into the recycling bin.

Sasha and Alexander danced a hip-hop number by Shaun Evaristo, another new choreographer to the show. The question was whether Alexander could master swag: he could not. That along with the fact that there was no chemistry between our dancers didn’t help this number. This was not the best hip-hop choreography the show has seen, but had two very talented hip-hop dancers—say, Twitch and Comfort—taken this on, I might have felt differently.

Toni Redpath, a judge/choreographer I have yet to warm up to (for reasons not known but still very real in my soul, I imagine us as frenemies in real life), created a smooth waltz for Jordan and Tadd. It was a forgettable number and Jordan’s dress was unflattering. 

I wanted to see more from Justin after the guy’s group dance, and boy, did I ever! He choreographed a contemporary number for Clarice and Jess. This was really good. The story was about love coming to an end, and Justin incorporated staccato-like movements into the dance that made you feel the emotion of breaking hearts. Clarice and Jess really nailed this too. I agree with Travis: this was the best they have been so far.

Ashley and Chris danced a salsa by Liz Lira, who we can archive under NEW TO SYTYCD YET AGAIN TONIGHT. Sweet heavens this was bad. Chris’ face was very uncertain as were his moves. Jason and I felt a bit embarrassed for him. Luckily, Ashley’s navy blue dress was quite pretty. Take a note on that, Costume Department.

Ryan and Ricky were given a jazz number by Chucky whose last name I didn’t catch, but why would your last name matter when your first name is CHUCKY? Seriously? You are a grown man. It kind of disgusts me to say Chucky out loud and I even type that name with hesitation. Regardless, Chucky provided us with some unique choreography, which was also very well danced, although Ryan almost fell out of a turn at the end (sorry, I have to say something bad about her because she's one of those seemingly perfect people who I want to punch in the face merely because I am so far from perfect). The judges were reminded of Ramalama by Wade Robson, although Sexy Back (also by Wade) came to my mind first. (Both of these were from Season 2 and included Travis Wall—am I the only one who thinks the dancing was a lot more enjoyable back then, had a bit more life, made you smile a little more?)

Caitlynn and Mitchell got a Mandy Moore contemporary number paired with a Celine Dion song. Did this deserve a fist pump to the chest? Absolutely. It was superb. The lifts were beautiful. The judges stood up. Thank you Mandy Moore! This was by far the best performance of the night.

The top 7 girls finished the evening with a jazz routine by Ray Leeper. This I liked. It had a Chicago vibe to it and the ladies brought it.

In lieu of predictions for this week, I will share with you some news about next week: I will be away and unable to watch the show. But have no fear, the Guest Chroniclers will be here! Kate and Melissa—two of only three people in the world who I trust with the password to my Web site—are going to fill in for me. I’m looking forward to reading what they have to say once I return, and I’m sure my SYTYCD readers are looking forward to a refreshing perspective. I hope to bring one too when I come back.

SYTYCD: I Would Like to Shut the Door on Someone's Face

Y’all: What the hell is going on with SYTYCD this season? The top 20 show was great—I will give them that. But then they repeated the top 20 and it was lackluster, and the top 16 last night was yet another sleeper. And I thought surely with Lil’ C on the judging panel that the night would at least provide some type of verbal excitement, but apparently he’s been taking his “elocution to music,” and I’m not sure it’s done anything but increase the number of prepositions he uses, and really, we can only take so much Ring Around the Rosie in speech. It makes me tired.

Not tired, however, was my BFF Cat who was looking like the coolest flapper there ever was on the Boardwalk Empire—not that I’ve seen that show yet, but it’s in the queue and I think there are flappers in it. Or at least hookers who look like flappers.

But I digress.

The evening began with half of our dancers in a Tyce DiOrio group routine. This reminded my friend Michelle of that time Katie Holmes “danced” on the show. Except tonight we had chairs.

Sasha and Alexander began the couple dances with a Dee Caspary contemporary number. Join me now, if you will, in my thought process during this number:

• There is a piano on stage
• Sasha came out of the piano
• Fake piano it seems
• Sasha got back in piano
• HANDS COME OUT OF THE PIANO!!
• Totally creepy
• Shut the lid on the piano, Alexander, and run the hell away. I would have.

And in praising this dance, Lil’ C said some word that sounded like malefolous. Lil’ C: I think I you meant that as a compliment, but if your viewers can’t find the word in Merriam-Webster’s, then IT IS NOT A REAL WORD and IT IS NOT A COMPLIMENT TO ANYONE because back in the day, our nation had a President who did this same thing and we all know how that turned out: not good.

Mitchell and Caitlynn teamed with Jean-Marc for a samba. The judges, good lord, could not shut up about this. And then guest celebrity judge Kristin Chenoweth—who, I will add, looks to be in need of sandwiches—went on a rampage about shutting the door (and I initially typed shitting the door, which I think perfectly sums up how I feel about having her as a judge on this show).

Miranda and Robert got a Broadway number by Tyce, and from the second they started dancing, all I could think was WHAT IS HAPPENING IN THE FRONT OF YOUR PANTS ROBERT? CALM YOURSELF. Which, luckily, he did by the end of the dance. And I guess as a way of not bringing attention to Robert’s whoo moment there on stage, the judges totally praised this one like it was the Second Coming or something. I mean, it wasn’t bad, but it was far from the statue piece.

Melanie and Marko chose a hip-hop number by Tabitha and Napoleon. First, a word to T&N: Y’all know I love me some side-by-side synchronization—thank you, it was great tonight. This was classic T&N, which means it was more entertaining than all of the other shit we saw. It was also better danced. Second, a word to the Costume Department: That was a stupid skirt if ever I have seen one, and then you put it over pants as if that somehow would ease the wound. It did not. No one ever wants to wear ugly shit like that, so don’t do it to our girl Miranda because she deserves better. Marko also, apparently, felt Miranda had been wronged and was all, I will amend this, dearest Miranda, because he went mouth to mouth on her halfway through the piece, and it sent everyone into a tizzy, which looked something like this: Nigel on Mary; Kristin on Lil’ C; Nigel on Lil’ C. Dear God Please Stop. It was like the devolution of SYTYCD happening right there before our eyes and on one of the two best dances of the night.

Ashley and Chris picked jazz with Sonya. This was very well danced. However, I agree with Nigel: the music was not right for this, and I was unable to connect emotionally to it.

Clarice and Jess danced a fox trot choreographed by Jean-Marc. I just kept thinking Clarice was wearing a giant Maidenform bra with a skirt and some fancy silver netting. I think this was well danced, but I admit that somehow I watched the entire thing without paying attention to any of it.

Ricky and Ryan joined Sonya for an emotional contemporary routine. I really liked this. It was a more subdued side of Sonya than we usually see—her versatility as a choreographer is not always apparent but is very impressive. And Ricky and Ryan had the perfect level of physical and emotional control to make this relatable. Ryan kept her teeth in check, and neither of the dancers was so distraught that it made me reach for a bottle of liquor and spend the rest of the night drowning in my sorrows. Very well done all around. The other in my top two favorite dances of the night.

Jordan and Tadd closed the couple dances with a hip-hop number by Tabitha, Napoleon, and a bed. Jason called this the “Abercrombie & Fitch dance.” This so harks back to the Mia Michaels bed dance with Kherington and Twitch (except with a much lighter tone). The most impressive part: the clothes actually WENT ON, which we rarely see on this show. The judges, of course, loved this, and Kristin started shutting doors again, which compels me to give the following advice to a very small human with a very shrill voice: come up with a new goddamn line; eat a sandwich; lay off the tanning bed; and don’t come back on this show ever again. (You’re welcome, America.)

The night ended with a Dee Caspary contemporary group routine with eight of the dancers. The music was great, and it was a very calming and beautiful end to a show that had way too much yelling and screeching going on compared with the level of dancing presented.

My bottom three picks: Miranda and Robert, Caitlynn and Mitchell, Clarice and Jess.

SYTYCD: The Top 20...Yet Again

Our nation’s government finally figured out how to get me to watch an address from our leader: air it right before SYTYCD.

Anyway, our guest judge tonight was Debbie Reynolds. She of Singing in the Rain fame and Mother of Princess Leia. At first I was thrilled, and then I realized that she must have been totally tanked because about 10 minutes in, I wanted them to take Ms. Reynolds back to where they found her: the retirement center. And yes, that sounded mean, but the truth isn’t always pretty, and neither was most of the dancing tonight. I was left flat out disappointed. Let me explain why in case you, on the other hand, thought it was the best the show has ever offered (and if you did, you must have been lit too).

Ryan and Ricky began the evening with a Mandy Moore routine that was supposed to be filled with sexual tension. Instead, we had a man in a corset and a woman with big bows attached to her high heels. Also, Ryan had way too much going on with her facial expressions, and then she ended up with a rip in her fishnet hose that Jason was convinced was a skin disorder, but considering it’s location, I would have guessed it was a disorder of a different nature, but whatever. Fishnets rip. I know, I have a pair. That is all I can say about this dance.

Caitlynn and Mitchell performed a Stacey Tookey contemporary routine. The TV on which we watched encountered some technical difficulties during this dance, so I can’t give an educated critique, but I surmised the following: Lighting and costumes were good; beautiful dance; the judges loved it.

Missy and Wadi were given a cha-cha routine by Jean-Marc. Wadi’s turns were really weak and you could tell exactly when he remembered his posture, but at least he remembered and tried to adjust accordingly. However, all in all, Wadi was pretty terrible and luckily the judges—meaning Mary and Nigel because Debbie was nothing but hand motions and free invitations to her house at this point—agreed.

Bollywood with Nakul, Nick, and Iveta. I’ll say this: The Old Gal was bustin’ a move. I hope I can move that well when I’m 70. Regardless, will any Bollywood ever be as good as Katee and Joshua? No. But these two mismatched souls did okay.

Robert and Miranda with a T&N hip-hop routine about woodpeckers. That preface in and of itself didn’t give me much hope going into this. HOWEVER, this was my favorite dance of the night by far. The choreography was great, and I was surprised to see how good Miranda was. Girlfriend was buck.

Then we had a Stacey Tookey number for Clarice and Jess. Y’all, this took cheesy to a whole new level: an ode to Kate Middleton and Prince William. Boring. Clarice and Jess are no Kate and William, but please do try this again if Harry gets married because we know that will be all hip-hop and swagger and bow down mofos, and the Ladies of the World will enjoy the hell out of it and need to fan themselves afterward. (Or at least that it what should happen.)

Jordan and Tadd performed a Viennese waltz by Jean-Marc. I kept watching Tadd because it was amazing to see him excel so wonderfully outside of his genre. All around, this was just a beautiful number to watch—definitely the surprise performance of the evening for me. 

Marko and Melanie danced a jazz piece by Mandy Moore. This was enjoyable but nothing special. What we all will remember is Marko dropping his hat, but he handled that well enough. What I will say about these two dancers is that I think Marko’s pretty wonderful, and I wish I had Miranda’s thighs.

Alexander and Sasha were given a T&N sensitive piece: a soldier returning home from Afghanistan. Alexander, god bless him, was too fluid. Sasha did a great job, but at the end of the day, this was standard T&N in my book. However, the judges were quite moved by the storytelling. Debbie cried. Mary cried and because of her tears, we got a look at her real skin tone. So much paler than I would have imagined. But let me be honest: if Alexander hadn’t been in a military uniform in this routine, he could have been coming home from anywhere—you know, EVEN FROM JAIL.

Speaking of jail, Ashley and Chris were given a Spencer Liff Broadway routine. The jail bars were not very sturdy and that’s all I remember from this dance.

I would predict a bottom three, but why bother, when it would be easier to predict a bottom seven tonight. Here’s hoping once we have this group whittled down to 16 next week that the dancing will either make my foot tap on the floor or make my heart skip a beat.

SYTYCD Season 8: Welcome Back Darlings

After a delicious dinner of smoked-cheese cupcakes—and, oh yes, they really do exist—I sat down with some fellow SYTYCD devotees for the first night of competition for Season 8. I would like to start by saying the following: I'm glad to see a top 20 again; I'm glad to see Mia not on the judging panel; and I'm glad to see a rotating judge spot (Megan Mullally was an unexpected choice, but she ended up being not too shabby). Also: glad to see Cat again, looking like a rock-star Barbie. Cat: You look great. We are still best friends, and as best friends, let me give you this advice: lay off the tanning. Your chest looks like a leather purse.

The night began with Jordan and Tadd teaming up for an African jazz number by Sean Cheesman. The judges may have thought this was sensational, but me and mine thought it could have been taken to a higher level. I mean, I witnessed the following: Jordan kicked Tadd in the head three times IN THE SAME TURN; there was another clunky turn; and Tadd didn't seem to know what to do with his arms during the transitions. It was neat to watch but not well executed. The tattoo costumes were coolest part of dance, but they weren't enough for my vote.

Sasha and Alexander, who is blessed with a head full of hair that women (and many men) the world over I am sure envy, chose a contemporary routine by Travis Wall—and I could probably just stop there but I won't. It was great choreography—some of the darker subject matter we've seen from Travis—very powerful and very powerfully danced. However,  the outfits were a bit distracting. I mean, my nieces could have put that shredded shit together. On another note, Sasha is one of my early favorites, even though—bless her heart—she had some lipstick on her teeth. Some advice for Sasha: look in a mirror and smile before you go on stage or check in with your mother—trust me, she'll have the tissue in hand and ready to go for just such an occasion (and it will make her feel useful).

Clarice and Jess (aka Evan 2.0, who also said the word "poopie" in his interview, which means he now needs to redeem himself in my book because that is a juvenile word and if you don't have the balls to say "bowel movement" in its place, then don't say it at all) chose a Broadway number by Tyce. I thought to myself: well, this will be good, and then Clarice walked out on stage in large sequined panties with bra suspenders. And yes, I just used the word panties—I knew it wouldn't take long into the season for it to slip out. Speaking of slipping out: SO DID HER UNDERWEAR. Clarice, dear one, I ask you the following questions: You are wearing panties, so why do you have panties on underneath the first pair of panties, and why are the second pair of panties hanging out? It's all very perplexing. Have someone check you from behind. You're welcome for the advice. So after notcing all that, I couldn't pay any attention to the dancing. So if this was well-danced, I have no idea.

Ryan of the amazinng blond hair, which makes me hate her, and Season 7 rejection and Ricky got a lyrical hip-hop piece by Christopher Scott (who I have high hopes for as a choreographer). I really liked the choreography and I thought Ricky did a great job. Ryan, on the other hand, was too rubbery. She needs to be aware of her knees and elbows in hip-hop—she needs to hit it and lock it all the way. The judges liked this but were all confused as to why Ryan seemed happy in what was supposed to be a sad story. And in a sign that she has apparently never watched this show before, Ryan decided to explain herself to judges, to which I say, oh honey no.

Mitchell had an elbow injury. Therefore Caitlynn had to dance a Sonya jazz number with Robert from Season 7. Three words: I love Sonya. Additional words: Robert stepped up to the plate; great lifts (the split across the back was sublime); great leg extensions. Caitlynn is a perfect match for Sonya, and the judges loved her too.

Miranda and Robert (the "Wooo" guy) picked a Latin number with Jason Gilkinson. Miranda was worried because she said she was not good at being sexy—well no shit, girl, you just admitted to a national television audience that you still sleep with a nightlight. Anyway, she comes on stage looking like a go-go girl and Robert looks like Steve Urkel in Twitch glasses. For me, the clothing and music did not go with the Latin theme. Also, I don't want every dance Robert performs to channel his nerdy (yet endearing) personality. I want to see him step outside of himself, and I think  Nigel made a good observation: Robert's personality could go either way: people could love it or get annoyed.

Missy and Wadi danced a jazz number by Sean Cheesman. The dance began in a box—first prop of the season and fortunately well-used with the choreography. I must agree with Nigel: this really was the best we've seen from Sean Cheesman thus far on the show. There was that really neat floor lift segment, followed by what would have been a great side-by-side synchronized bit had Missy and Wadi not been about 1 second apart on it; and then there were those AMAZING flips by Wadi off of the box. And I loved the red lighting.  Although I really enjoyed watching this, it wasn't perfect, but the judges made no comments about that. So I'm concerned they are already allergic to giving criticism because a blind man could have picked up on that off synchronization there in the middle of the piece. And a note to Mary: It's PANDORA's box, not PADORA's box. I also know why the straw is yellow—because it is not water that you drink.

Melanie, who looks like she could be on the US gymnastics team if she added some barrettes to her hair—meaning, totally cute and I love her—was teamed with Marko for a contemporary number by Travis Wall. Were two great pieces in one night possible from the same choreographer? No. One was great and one was brilliant. Often the best routines get the quietest responses from the judges, and this routine proved that. The make-up and costumes perfectly portrayed statues—in any other routine they might have looked silly. Melanie and Marko were pure muscle and possessed total control in their movements. There was side-by side synchronization, emotion, and technical perfection. That is why I watch this show. This is what makes the judges stand up. Thank you Travis.

Ashley paired with Chris for a hip-hop number by Christopher Scott. The story: cheating. And it hit home for Chris who had a moment that was necessary for the producer's of the show to clarify as NOT a dramatization, just in case we were confused and failed to join in his emotion. While they were dancing, I was totally drawn to Ashley. She wash hitting harder than Chris by far, but I wondered if his outfit had anything to do with it. He should have ditched the jacket at least; it seemed to weigh him down.

And for our final number of night 1, we had Iveta and Nick in a quick step number by Jason Gilkinson.  First of all: THIS IVETA BROAD IS YOUNGER THAN ME, which means either my skin-care routine is excellent or she's had some good work done for a 70-year-old because, really, she looks like a 70-year-old who's had a lot of work done. Second: She should not match all of her clothes to her skin tone. Hasn't anyone ever told her that before? Third: that gold outfit in the introduction number—PUT IT THE HELL AWAY. Camel toe is not safe for prime time television. Actually, it's not safe anywhere except on a camel. Gosh. So back to the dancing...this was not an exciting piece, even though they tried to make it so with the flashy lighting.

My guesses for the bottom three: Jordan and Tadd, Clarice and Jess, Iveta and Nick; Miranda and Robert are a close fourth.

And before I call it a night: wouldn't you all say it's good to be back? Cheers!

 

Season 7: The Finale

Oh Season 7. If you were a summer fling, you would have been the one with short arms who wore flip-flops and who we eventually broke up with over e-mail once home. Yep, don’t need to revisit that again. So let me make our parting as brief and painless as possible.

A note on the judges: Mia: What the hell were you wearing? Did you just finish sweeping your chimney? Did you discover some dead squirrel parts up the flue and not realize that they stuck to your shirt? One: Clean up before you leave the house. Two: Use fewer words if any at all. Three: I hope ‘Lil C takes your seat next year.

• The Bollywood number that opened the show was my favorite Bollywood of the season. Ken and all-star Lauren did a great job, and I loved the choreography.
• Lauren and Twitch were given a hip-hop number by T&N with a political debate theme. I won’t remember this tomorrow because I don't remember much now.
• Tyce created a jazz piece for Robert and Mark. It was like watching two of the same person up there on stage. Throw in Kupono from Season 5 and it would have been a wicked little threesome indeed. Well done, boys!
• Kent’s sole: great.
• Lauren and Robert danced a very interesting Dee Caspary contemporary routine that used a pillow as a prop. I’m not always a fan of the prop, but the pillow worked well and this was beautiful to watch. Robert was quite impressive. He really has had a great journey on this show.
• I was very excited when I heard Kent and Lauren got a Mandy Moore jazz routine. You know, this was cheesy good fun. I don’t care that the judges obviously weren’t impressed with Mandy tonight. They can bite me.
• Robert’s solo: fine.
• Kent and Allison had the most emotional piece tonight, contemporary with Stacey Tookey. It was the story of a couple that seems perfect but is not. I KNOW. She must have read the last entry of The Chronicles. Stacey: next season, check out some of my posts about constipation—there's some good material there for sure! Anyway, this was well danced indeed. The surprising bit was how emotional Kent became. The judges ate it up: Kent is now an artist! Oh my gosh that makes me tired, the overuse of the word “artist” this season. I blame Mia.
• Lauren’s solo: well done lady.
• Spencer Liff created a Broadway number to Cool from West Side Story for Robert and Kathryn. Y’all: I love this piece of music. I love this scene in the movie. Of course, the SYTYCD version was different, but it was well danced and Robert kept his cool even when his pants split. To which I say: it apparently doesn’t take much to get hired in the costume department at this show. Hell, I could match those sewing skills, and that doesn’t say much. I cry every time I go to Jo-Ann Fabrics and Crafts. And then I have to call my mother from the parking lot for a counseling session.
• Lauren and Pasha performed a cha-cha. Four words: PASHA’S CHEST, THANK YOU!
• And the last number of the night. You know, Cat kept mentioning this dance throughout the evening and for the life of me, I thought she was saying our first every “male lovers” routine, but instead it was malevos. I can’t believe the finale ended on such a note. In my house, we were laughing our asses off during this. Poor Kent and Robert. Let’s just file it under Russian Folk and hope never to see it again.

And with that, we are almost done with Season 7. Until tomorrow…