The Chronicles of Marge

SYTYCD: A Sobering Night

By the end of the evening, my friend Kaysi and I had three definite couples for our bottom and two on the bubble, which shows our feelings about the caliber of dancing tonight. But when the evening begins with Cat Deeley wearing a Bumpit in her hair, you can either go up or stay the course, and most of the dancers decided to stay the course.

We began with Karen and Kevin and a hustle by Maria Torres. The whole time they were up there, I kept thinking to myself: if Brandon from Season 5 were doing this, I might feel something in my heart. But I didn’t feel anything at all tonight, and I didn’t think it had the level of energy—even the controlled level energy required by the hustle—that it needed. The judges loved this, but sometimes the judges are wrong.

Dearest Mandy Moore: I love you. I love your choice of music. I love your choreography. But I hate the fact that I have to refer to your current hairstyle as a mullet. Let me offer a solution: scissors. Anyway, the jazz routine Mandy created for Ashleigh and Jakob was really great. As the judges pointed out (and Kaysi and I noted beforehand because WE ARE THAT GOOD), this reminded us a lot of The Negotiation dance from Season 3 (although I think that one is still supreme by far) minus the table and the James van der Beek of dance but plus a cane and some black pants not seen since Danny Zuko got chills over Sandy Olsson.

Pauline and Peter drew the quick step, which also introduced us to new choreographers JT and Tomas. It was described as a Navy guy meets a hula girl, which I think it what the rest of us refer to as South Pacific, but anyway. I thought the dance filled the stage nicely, but I agree with the judges: the performance was good but the technique was bad.

And then it happened, and it wasn’t even my favorite routine of the evening, but it happened nonetheless. I had been resisting this all season because (a) he calls himself Legacy and only a total d-bag would do that, right? and (b) he’s a habitual Man Cryer, which makes me roll my eyes. But he’s apparently very good at soccer and I’ve always been a sucker for soccer players (hence, I married one), and then he gets up there and he moves like he does and I couldn’t help myself anymore. That’s it. I’m done. I have a favorite this season. I fell in love with a dude named Legacy tonight, and I put him on the shelf in my room with Gev and Pasha and Travis. (And now my spouse rolls his eyes.)

Oh, and about the Broadway number itself? It was okay, but Kathryn, bless her heart, was not her best this evening, and the judges didn’t hold back in letting her know. If I were her, I would have gone backstage, found my hidden stash of chocolate, indulged, and cried.

Channing and Victor got a Stacey Tookey contemporary piece. This is the first time I’ve liked Channing in anything, and I thought both dancers did a nice job. Nigel, although impressed with their technique, gave them a warning: they were good but not brilliant in their own style, which doesn’t bode well for when they pick a style not their own in the future.

Speaking of styles not their own: Ellenore and Ryan, the latter of whom I can’t help but think of as the Tarzan of dance. He’s really just a cave man who shaves his chest and uses hair products, and it makes me oh so weary. Lil C also must have been weary after watching Ellenore and Tarzan fall completely flat on his hip-hop number. I actually liked the choreography, but these dancers couldn’t hit hard or get down and dirty like it needed to be done. And yes, it wasn’t their style, but they could have at least made it respectable.

Oh Molle and Nathan. You are both too young and too clean for salsa. To make it worse, your outfits were too different from each other to bring any cohesion to this dance. You know what it reminded me of? Dirty Dancing…HAVANA EFFIN’ NIGHTS. Which is not a compliment and yes I know I should be embarrassed to admit to The Internet that I have seen it, but (a) give me a break and (b) Diego Luna is really cute.

After the salsa, I really thought I might have to give up on the evening and possibly the season, but let’s give a big Praise God! to Sean Cheesman’s African jazz and Russell and Noelle for bringing it. If Lil C had been a judge, he would have said a lot of words about this, but I will sum it up in one that he would have said for certain: buck.

So now that voting rights have been restored to the American people, what do we think tomorrow will bring? I think Karen/Kevin, Victor/Ellenore, and Mollee/Nathan are strong contenders for the bottom three. Pauline/Peter and Kathryn/Legacy are sitting on the bubble. It will be interesting for sure.

SYTYCD: Baseball Sucks

I’m really tired of what the World Series is doing to SYTYCD. We, the American People, have lost our voting privileges so that FOX can broadcast a bunch of men scratching their balls on national TV. You know, every married woman in America gets to see that on a daily basis, and I don’t think any of us care to see it more than we already do, so please give us dancing and voting and actual results that we help create.

Not that I was completely upset. I think the judges got half of it right. But I’m ready to have a voice and I’m ready to see how my fellow viewers feel about Season 6.

But enough of that and a bit about the lovely Cat Deeley: the nude-colored dress was gorgeous. The only thing I could have added to her look this evening was a couple of bowls of pasta and some chocolate chip cookies because I do think she’s getting narrower each week, and I don’t want her to totally disappear because then I would have, like, no BFFs left in the world.

The dancing began with a hip-hop and tennis number with Noelle and Russell, choreographed by Jamal Sims. My attention to this dance was thwarted by a knock on the door and the entrance of my neighbor who undoubtedly needed to borrow something. So I made him stand inside while I watched the dance (I know—I am horrible, but this is SYTYCD and I don’t have DVR), and I took notes about mounting mirrors on brick walls and digging up liriope, which left me with little to say about the dance except that I didn’t like the choreography and I have a feeling that the judges didn’t either.

Ashleigh and Jakob performed a Viennese waltz. This got mixed reviews. My biggest critique is that I don’t think Ashleigh creates much chemistry with her partner, even though they made out on stage a bit. My friend Doreen and I both agree that we really don’t get her, but that the judges seem to love her lots for reasons we can’t comprehend.

Victor and Bianca pulled a Tyce Broadway piece, and in a rare turn of events, I agree 100% with what the judges had to say. Adam was right: sometimes how well you dance is not the point. The point is that they didn’t lose themselves in it. We should have seen someone slain in the spirit on that stage, but instead, it was like being a mega-church in front of a video screen with words being rolled out before you and some folks singing at microphones on a stage while someone busts out in a guitar solo to an modern rendition of Amazing Grace. Yeah, not lost in that.

Speaking of the spirit: why Lord did The 12-Year-Old have to get Bollywood? I mean, this girl raises her hand to ask permission to visit the toilet. I think that most of us realize by the age of 18 that we can make our own choices about bathroom usage and don’t need to leave that to other people any more. Mollee: this will save you lots of heartache in the future—trust me. Anyway, I don’t think she deserves Bollywood because Bollywood equals safe on this show, and there’s a reason for this, and I credit my friend Doreen (who is Indian and knows what she is talking about) for this observation. None of the judges can actually critique a Bollywood number. Doreen says that they need an Indian judge up there who can really give us the low down, and I agree. Was it fun? Yes. But was it Joshua and Katee quality? No.

Channing and Phillip performed the worst samba methinks I have ever seen on this show. The crowd of four at my house was groaning out loud during the entire number. The hip action was just not there. The lifts…it was like they drew Constipation as a dance style from the hat. Adam tried to compliment the dance by saying they had good personal interaction, which I guess is all you can say when someone’s head hits you in the crotch as you finish the number.

Oh how the judges like Karen! I admit I like her too. Kevin…he still has to prove himself in my book because he’s a great hip-hop dancer and he did a good job in this ridiculous T&N routine in which Karen actually rode him like a motorcycle in several different positions. A little too bump and grind for me. And as much as I hate to say it, I’d rather see a traditional T&N piece about love and bleeding hearts than this.

Legacy and Kathryn were the luckiest couple of the night. I think so much of it comes down to choreography, and they hit the jackpot with a Stacey Tookey number that puts her right there in the running with Travis for filling the shoes of Mia Michaels. These two were lovely to watch and it was great to see how Stacey used both of their strengths to create this piece.

You know how I feel about Wade, so I was a bit disappointed in the jazz dance he created for Pauline and Peter. I felt like the steps were fairly simple and the dancers needed to be more animated to really give it life. But I think that the moves were difficult to see from an audience perspective with that huge, distracting background into which the dancers disappeared. I had a fear on the showcase episode that the new stage was going to be a thorn in my side, and this dance hasn’t done a thing to remove that thorn.

The evening finished with an Argentine tango performed by Ellenore and Ryan. If you missed the fact that she performed almost half of the dance with her dress stuck around her shoe’s heel, then you were blind or else your neighbor knocked on your door asking to borrow $20 so he could play his number at the BP station down the street. Regardless, this was well danced by both and even received a standing ovation from the judges.

About those results: I was totally okay with Phillip leaving the show—great person, but he wasn’t growing in the competition, so it was time. However, I didn’t feel the same for Bianca. I thought Noelle should have gone home tonight and I disagreed with the judges on her solo. It wasn’t anything special. So Noelle: you need to bring it once America starts voting because I don’t think I’m alone in this opinion.

Top 20: Do What, Judges?

I don’t even know how to write about the dances since I know who is gone and who was in the bottom four, to which I say wtf? judges. Russell?? Really? Kevin was the worst male dancer tonight, but you went with Russell?? Or did you just want to take the opportunity to show us what Russell is made of because you know it will help your ratings and because you know he will NEVER be in the bottom again (or at least for a few more weeks)?

For as many times in the past that I’d like to kick America in the balls when it puts certain folks (Pasha, Gev) into the bottom, I like the unpredictability of it all, and I don’t think I like leaving everything up to the judges. About halfway through the evening, Jason and I started feeling like there was a clear bias on the part of the judges. They knew they had the power this week, they knew who they wanted gone before the evening started, and they sure as hell followed through with it. Regardless, I shall present a recap anyway.

We started the evening with Channing, Phillip, and a jive. I agree with Nigel and Mary that this number ran out of energy in places, but I liked Phillip more than I liked Channing. She just moved on stage like she had weights attached to her legs. I thought Phillip did a good job, but I expected that since jive is the closest to tap that he’ll find on this show.

You know, Tyce Diorio keeps growing on me. I’ve never disliked him, but his choreography has kind of snuck up on me over the seasons like the nerdy guy in the seventh grade who you never noticed and then one day junior year you were like “Damn, and shit, she’s wearing his class ring,” which all goes to say that Tyce created a beautiful number tonight and I’m really noticing his work now. I also really noticed Ashleigh’s blue sequined dress, which is one of the few instances of Fringe Done Right in my book. My main critique is that I thought Ashleigh and Jakob lacked chemistry, even though the judges thought they had it. But who cares, Jakob made up for his lack of chemistry with his abundance of facial sweating, which is kind of endearing in a please-keep-your-distance-however kind of way.

Ariana and Peter. God bless them. I was all about Homegirl who grew up on a farm outside of Raleigh, but as we know, that tractor video did nothing for the judges. You see, I didn’t think Ariana and Peter did a bad job with their T&N android number. The judges thought it was sloppy and lacked tension, but we have to remember that most T&N numbers are created around a fluid definition of hip-hop rather than a hard-hitting one. Unfortunately, that can hurt how a dance is perceived by the audience and judges because we can't always tell whose fault it is—the dancers or the choreographers.

Oh Russell! The man’s partner is down front in a brace, and he takes the floor with Melanie, the resident Grande Matron of ballroom, and maybe Russell’s footwork needs some practice, but I guarantee that after he was done with that fox trot that every woman in America over the age of 30 had to go pour herself a cold glass of water and get out the hand fan that she keeps tucked under the couch cushion JUST FOR THIS REASON. And the judges put him in the bottom. I am still disgusted.

Bianca and Victor were the lucky dogs who got a Travis Wall routine right out of the gate. I’m so proud of Our Boy, and with Mia’s departure, we may be seeing a lot more of Travis this season—to which I say: heck yeah. Anyway, this was a beautifully choreographed and danced number. I personally loved the drop/flip move and those lovely side-by-side leaps. As the judges noted, these two dancers gave us the first chemistry of the evening, and it was great to watch.

Karen and Kevin (aka Male Model) performed a Tony and Melanie cha-cha. The most exciting part of the dance for me was the song—the Glee cast’s version of Push It. If only they had used Don’t Stop Believing or No Air (I know, already done in Season 4), I could maybe have overlooked Kevin’s uncertain footwork and lack of follow through with his arms. But this dance proved to me that the judges already wanted to keep Kevin before seeing him step outside his comfort zone.

Ellenore and Ryan probably presented one of the best technical and artistic dances of the night with a little help from Sonya and her weird world of angelic creatures that looked a bit like He-Man and She-Ra. However, I did think Ellenore was a bit presumptuous in saying that this would be the best dance ever on the show. Um, have you watched the show? Did you see Mercy or Bleeding Love or Ramalama? Exactly. So the next time you leap into the air, envision yourself landing on the stage with your foot in your mouth and just don’t make predictions like that ever again.

Pauline and Brandon were so cute—stressing were there. I thought they had great chemistry, particularly after only a day and a half of working together, but it was not enough, and as the judges critiqued the “prom couple,” I could see the writing on the wall. Nonetheless, I liked the choreography and I loved her dress, all Marilyn Monroe without the subway grating.

Dave Scott hip-hip = buck. Kathryn and Legacy dancing it = me smiling. If only I could use so few words for T&N numbers.

The evening ended with Nathan and The 12-Year-Old performing an energetic Doriana disco number. The over-the-head lift was great, and I agree with the judges that these two dancers are fun. Regardless, it’s hard for me to be on the Mollee bandwagon yet. As my husband so thoughtfully pointed out: she’s 12 and her boobs are bigger than mine. Thanks.

Hello Season 6

OK. I had a total Do What?? moment when SYTYCD started tonight. I thought it was the first night of competition, but instead, it was a special. AND IT OPENED WITH WADE ROBSON. And may I say that Wade can make any night special, and if he ever does West Side Story, it will look something like what the top 20 did tonight. And I will buy a ticket to see it.

So we’ve got a showcase, without the showdown, among all the styles of dance represented this season, and it started with hip-hop, which was quite the dynamic group. We have Kevin, of lock and pop skills; Russell, who’s the first krumper; and a b-boy named Legacy. Let me repeat that: Legacy. I think I’ll start going by Inheritance, which in my family is a nickname for You Get to Clean up All Our Shit When We Die.

Anyway, I enjoyed this number. But do you know what I enjoyed the most—and I can’t believe I am going to say this—I enjoyed watching Tabitha dance with the guys during practice. I don’t remember seeing her dance before, and it always makes me respect the choreographers a bit more when I see them kickin’ it with the cream of the—albeit amateur—crop. So I say to you Tabitha: rock on. And to the show’s producers and directors: I’m not sure about this big-ass video screen on the stage. The nighttime highway scene was a bit distracting and I hope it doesn’t foreshadow things to come.

Tyce Diorio created the first contemporary number for the show. It included Ariana, Jakob, Channing, and Nathan. This was a very beautiful piece. And although the judges raved over all the dancers, the one who stood out to me was Jakob. Have you ever seen leaps like that before? He almost hit himself in the head flinging that leg back there, and it left me pretty stunned, speechless, and amazed.

Three tappers. It was quite a move for the judges to go from zero to three all in one season, but I’m glad they did. I grew up on old movie musicals—they were the most G-rated thing my mom could find for us—and I love tapping because of watching The Greats. However, Nigel made a good point: it’s going to be a challenge for the tappers this season, and just because Nigel loves tapping and I love tapping doesn’t mean that America will love tapping. Regardless, the three up there were great. We’ve got Bianca, Phillip (who has a great face for tap), and Peter (who has an unfortunate Shane Battier hairline, bless his heart).

Sonya choreographed the three woman of jazz in a number meant to be sexy, but she put them in tutus as only Sonya would. I enjoyed it. Mollee—who I already refer to as The 12-Year-Old—Pauline, and Ellenore did a fantastic job. In terms of dancing plus personality, I really like Ellenore on first impression (and hope that she won’t disappoint).

The remaining four contemporary dancers—Victor, Noelle, Billy, and Kathryn—got a Mandy Moore number, which means they were given great choreography. Regardless of the fact that the judges decided not to say anything negative at all tonight since the competition has yet to actually begin, I saw a few awkward partnering moments and a lack of synchronization when it should have been spot on, making those moments brilliantly beautiful. But oh well, they have room to work on that. Billy and Kathryn also have room to work on the following: a zit treatment. Let me recommend one called rubbing alcohol. It’s cheap. It stings when you apply it to your face, and it probably will leave you with a vast amount of wrinkles by the age of 37. However, my sister Kat and I no longer look like we are vying for the seat of secretary on the sophomore student council circa 1996 and 1993, respectively, and we both feel the better for it. I also don't wear skorts any more, but I hope that's a lesson I won't have to pass along to anyone on the show this season.

The night ended with a Latin number choreographed by Jason Gilkinson from Down Under. He did a great job creating a piece for three in a genre that focuses on pairs. All of the dancers were good, but I wonder if Karen felt a bit like a third wheel having to fit into the marriage partnership of Ashleigh and Ryan. I hope that partnership won’t make me vomit at some point this season. I have no problem watching pretend love stories that involve corsets and smelling salts and daughters of the local preacher, but real-life romance on SYTYCD? That would be gross.  

Guess What Brandon Wore

I was going to title this entry “Yes, He Wore Man Panties,” but I think my sisters might boycott The Chronicles because of an overt use of the word “panties,” and I don’t want to scare them away from reading a story involving our mother. (Yeah mom, I’m writing about you and there is nothing you can do about it.) So on Saturday, I saw the SYTYCD Season 5 tour. If you were wondering, Man Panties were present. And let me go ahead and say that the physique of Brandon is no joke. You could have sat in the rafters and seen every mound of muscle on that man—and there were many. And let me also say that you see more in person than on TV and that his dancing energy is even greater in the flesh as well. Actually, I’d say the same for the entire Top 10 (plus Phillip and The Straight-Haired Sister) present for the tour. I said many times over the course of Season 5 that it was my least favorite season thus far, but seeing them in person…I have a whole new love and respect, even for Kupono.

Anyway, the back story is that Jason’s mom really wanted to see the show on tour, but none of the men in her life—one husband and three sons—were ever going to take her. So I decided to get tickets for her and my mother. Let me admit, I was nervous about this. The show was in Richmond, and thus I had decided to take two fairly different women on a 2½-hour road trip in a small car. I foresaw the following: my mom would be asleep within 20 minutes of departing Durham, and Doris would talk the entire way even when I put on some SYTYCD tunes.

What actually happened: my mother fell asleep 20 minutes outside of Durham and Doris talked the entire way.

But what also happened was this: we met my friend Michelle and her husband for dinner at a restaurant close to the Richmond Coliseum. We had a reservation, and at 5:45 they told us that the table would be ready shortly. Well the lobby quickly became crowded with other folks heading to the show. Thirty minutes later, still standing, Michelle asked to speak to the manager who told us we were the next table up but sent us to the bar for drinks. My mom and Doris each ordered a glass of wine and sat down at the bar. The next thing I know, the bartender is pouring my mother another glass of wine and she and Doris are having a good ‘ole time talking about who knows what but that doesn’t really matter when you are on your second glass of wine and it is on the house because the restaurant staff is unorganized and can’t hold a reservation because apparently they’ve never read the definition of that word in the dictionary. So I look at the bartender, and I say, “Please don’t pour her another”—you know, visions of assisting my mother into the coliseum were dancing in my head—and the bartender takes the quarter-full bottle of wine and sets in on the bar in front of my mother, and says, “Here you go.” When we finally got to our table, my mother took the bottle with her, and at one point, I look over and she’s got the bottle tilted up to finish it off, and I say, “Mom, it might actually pour if you take the lid off.”

Fortunately, it was an uneventful walk to the show. Then to my great surprise, unlike in previous years where I’ve been the oldest person at a SYTYCD event without a child, the place was filled with what Doris called “elderly people,” which in her vocabulary means anyone over the age of 55. Don’t ask me why she uses that term but she does, and it’s surprising because she is more physically fit and young at heart than most 35 year olds I know.

But you know what, those elderly folks, and the four 30-somethings that I knew for a fact were in attendance, had the best time in the world yelling at Evan and Jeanine and Phillip like it was 1989, we were all 11, and NKOTB was up there hanging tough and whatnot, while at the same time yelling at a Vision in Man Panties like only an audience filled with Mature Women could. 

SYTYCD: America's Favorite

Well, what can we say, America? We were worried that you would screw this one up. But, no, you've done good. Not only did you choose one of our favorite dancers as your favorite dancer, but you didn't subject us to the agony of Evan in the final two. The right two dancers were standing together in the end and it made us breathe a little easier. We should have had more faith in you, America, but, well, you've let us down before. Jeanine, however, has turned in consistently glowing performances, and while she doesn’t have Brandon’s athleticism, her personality makes her a star.

So what can we say about the results show in general? Well, like the season itself, it was solid, but not as good as last season. We got to relive our favorite dances: Janette and Brandon's tango, Jeanine and Jason’s “kiss” routine, Randi and Evan’s poodle/butt dance, Kayla and Kupono’s addiction piece, and Melissa and Ade’s cancer dance, among many others. We also got the “One” group number, which featured a charming, if brief, appearance by our judges.  And so, an overall satisfying evening, and with that we bid farewell to SYTYCD until next year---oh wait, we mean until next month.

Many thanks to Marge for inviting us as Guest Chroniclers! It has been a delight.

SYTYCD: The Finale: Return of the Guest Chroniclers

“Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome your…GUEST CHRONICLERS!”

Wheee! Thank you, Cat! Melissa and Kate here, attempting to fill the giant gap in the blogosphere caused by Marge’s unfortunately timed vacation the week of the SYTYCD finals. We are delighted to be guest blogging with you this evening, although we’re a little sorry that we’re not among the 3000 lucky viewers watching from the extremely bright and shiny Kodak Theater. The silver lining, though, is that we do have some lovely chocolate cupcakes with espresso buttercream frosting, and we’d be a little surprised if those are available at the Kodak Theater.  So! Let’s lick the buttercream off our fingers and settle in to chat about our Top Four Dancers!

Our first dance of the evening was a jazz routine for Evan and Jeanine, choreographed by Sonya. There were blobs of green, swirling around with blobs of blue, and little touches of maroon. It was really mesmerizing.  And that was just the extremely distracting background lighting! There was dancing too. The dance was about a guy who wants the girl back, but she’s not that interested, so she kicks him and tosses him around the stage a bit. We thought this was a solid performance, by Jeanine in particular, but ultimately a little underwhelming.

Next up we had Brandon’s solo, which was his usual powerful routine set to dramatic music, ending with a leap into the air that landed in a fairly spectacular split. He had traded his Manties for a pair of striped board shorts, and while we do recommend that most men play it safe and stick to board shorts, in the case of Brandon, we say bring back those Manties!

Our next duo is Brandon and Kayla, dancing a Broadway routine to Bye Bye Life from All That Jazz, choreographed by Tyce “the Oreo” d’Orio. This had some lovely moves, including some great hopping pirouettes, but it didn’t really make our hearts beat faster.

Jeanine danced a solo tango and did a fine job. Adam wasn't a fan of the "silly plastic flower" she had between her teeth, but we liked it. It might be cliche, but a red rose between the teeth makes any tango more tango-y. It's just a fact.

Our guys faced off next, in a “battle” routine choreographed by Laurieann. (Is it a coincidence that all Evan’s partners are trying to beat him up this evening?) Brandon did a good job with this, but we agree with the judges that Evan is just not a Nasty Boy. We have trouble picturing him in a nasty car or eatin’ that nasty fruit, and we're quite glad he dodged the question when Mary asked "What's the nastiest thing you've ever done?" However, it was a noble effort for someone who has what Nigel called a shchoochee face.

Our girls danced a Mia Michaels routine that represented a journey and was apparently a tribute to all the costume bits that have flown off over the course of the season. Kayla and Jeanine did a lovely job with this, making their way across the stage gradually shedding layers of clothing. Nigel’s response was that he wished the dance had gone on a bit longer (providing an answer to the question “who’s that thinkin’ nasty thoughts?” posed in the previous routine).

Evan then took the stage for his solo. Adam expressed concern that the audience might think that this routine was too similar to Evan’s audition routine, to which we respond, would *anyone* have noticed this if Adam hadn’t pointed it out? Do all Evan’s solos not look quite a bit alike?

Evan and Kayla then danced a country-western jive, choreographed by Tony and Melanie. Evan had improved significantly on his previous jive attempt, and they had some great lifts. Nigel thought that Kayla’s personality really came out in this routine, but we think it may have just been the influence of the fluffy blue outfit and the cowboy boots.

Kayla danced the last solo of the evening.  Ehhh. Even Guest Chronicler Fiancé Michael, Kayla’s biggest fan here in the Guest Chronicler household, thought her solo was a little weak. And we think she may have hurt her chances in her interview with Cat, when she responded to Cat’s question about whether she has what it takes to win, with a vehement “of course I do!” We’re not sure how America’s going to feel about that. We suspect that America likes its favorite dancers to be humble and unassuming.

Finally, we had Brandon and Jeanine, dancing a paso doble choreographed by Louis van Amstel.  We would vote this the best dance of the evening, and Mary put this couple on the hot tamale train, and it made Nigel want to do things to Jeanine (again with the nasty thoughts?!)…but what was it? Was it the bigger stage and the flashy lights that just made all the routines tonight seem a bit…smaller? Did Cat’s oddly lumpy dress cast a shadow over the evening? Were the dancers less inspired knowing that Marge is out of the country and unable to provide her usual spot-on commentary? Whatever the cause, we found the finals a bit disappointing. And we’re definitely not going out on a limb to make predictions about the outcome. The judges (and your Guest Chroniclers) appear to be rooting for Jeanine and Brandon, but 3000 viewers in the Kodak Theater were chanting Evan’s name, and if Kayla has in fact been touched by an angel, then who knows what effect that may have on the voting. Let’s cast our votes and hope for the best, shall we?

With best wishes and pirouettes,

Your Guest Chroniclers

The Results: Savage, Demanding, and Formidable…Also Stupid

America: You disappoint the hell out of me. I had a gut feeling that this would happen, and it was most upsetting that it occurred on an otherwise glorious results show. The guest dancing in this show reminded us all why we have faith in SYTYCD, even in its most tedious of seasons. It’s because of the hope for something like Bleeding Love or Mercy or the movement of someone like Will who makes you forget about everything in the room, even sound. And as much as Evan is a good dancer in his style, it was time for our little Frodo to take the boat to the Undying Lands. But alas, that was not the case, and Ade’s dismissal makes me feel a bit like I’ve been beheaded by an orc.

Oh well! Maybe Brandon will bring out the Man Panties again next week and erase all memory of Evan from the minds of my fellow voting Americans. And then there is the saving grace that Jeanine, my favorite girl of them all, is still hanging in there. Lil’ C seemed particularly glad about this too, and you know what they say about great minds.

A note about next week: As fate would have it, I will be gone for the finale. I know. When I realized this, I started to die a little bit inside and went straight to the freezer for a pint of Starbuck’s Java Chip to revive myself. However, do not feel abandoned, dear readers: the Guest Chroniclers are back! Kate and Melissa, my friends from Charlottesville and fellow SYTYCD fans, will take the helm. And if you are worried about their preparedness, have no fear. They are already working on what snacks to have on hand while they watch. 

SYTYCD: Top Six

Gosh I don’t feel like writing tonight. Is it the season in general or the red wine I had with dinner that is making me tired? I don’t know, but words are going to be hard to come by, so bear with me. I will say this, though: there may be no better way to watch the show than with a bowl—or three or four—of peach and blueberry cobbler. Thank you Doreen because two years from now, that’s what I’ll remember about Season 5’s Top Six.

On to the dancing: I really enjoyed Sonya’s choreography of both the men and women for what I’m going to start calling the Separation of the Sexes Numbers. My friend Doreen noted that Sonya always seems so proud and so excited regardless of how the dancers flit or flop across the stage. In tonight’s case, both sets of dancers really rose to the occasion. Although Lil’ C thought the women were a bit too courteous (apparently the didn’t eat the stage that was their bowl), I really enjoyed their superwoman number. And the men were totally buck in my book—all three of them.

Jeanine and Ade were partnered tonight. Their first piece was a samba in which the music and Jeanine’s costume were inspired by Lady Gaga. I don’t really remember much else about this dance, which may say it all. I do remember, however, wanting to love it because I think these two dancers are my favorite of the bunch left. They then drew a T&N hip-hop about being evicted. I’ve always struggled to really embrace the dances with props and very rarely do the props fail to annoy me (Mercy last year with Twitch and Katee being the exception—oh, and the table piece with Sabra and Neil from Season 3), so I took issue with the boxes, particularly when they treated them like shoes and I swear Ade got one caught on his foot but the camera then cut to a Jeanine-only shot. Anyway, well danced but nothing exceptional.

Melissa and Evan can go ahead and make their acceptance speeches for getting tonight’s award for Inability to Pick a Memorable Genre of the Evening. Sorry folks, but sock suspenders can’t really make Broadway any better. It was well danced, for sure, and the judges enjoyed, but it could have been bigger. After seeing Evan’s solo, my friend Melissa made a great point: Evan does so well in his solo work because he doesn’t have to share the stage with anyone. He can totally engage the audience without having to pay attention to a dance partner, and that is what makes him great. So when Evan draws Broadway and we expect Frodo to flea hop his way up Mount Doom and drop that ring in and be all “See what I can do all by myself, bitches,” we get a little bit disappointed when we realize that there’s Samwise Gamgee along for the ride too and putting a damper on the one-man show.

And if Broadway hasn’t become a near kiss of death this season, Melissa and Evan had to draw the actual kiss of death: The Quick Step. However, I will say this: regardless of Mary’s disappointment in this number, I was entertained. The music was good, and the choreography was good, and I won’t remember it next week, but it made me feel like someone was doing the grapevine across my heart while I was watching.

Which leaves us with Kayla and Brandon who had the best dance of the evening in the Stacey They-Stole-Me-From-SYTYCD-Canada (Damn Those Americans) Tookey contemporary piece. Lil’ C said it was “beyond amazing,” and it was. Brandon and Kayla were well paired and they brought strength and grace to some very beautiful choreography.

Their last number was a Doriana disco routine—you know, always the fastest and hardest disco yet on the show. The judges loved this, Lil’ C said something along the lines of “being out of your comfort zone represents…darkness…you have to go and befriend characteristics of your challenges and you have to see with your ears…and I see no darkness.” WHAT?? And also, why, oh, why so much praise for this? Are you trying to tell America to vote for these two, because the America sitting in my living room did not concur. We thought it got real slow at the end and Brandon even looked a bit wobbly. And those death drops: not so elegant. This compared not at all to the disco we saw earlier this season from Brandon and Janette, so the judges need to check that one out again on the youtube and retract the home run they gave this one.

Speaking of Brandon: his solo was pretty amazing; it even got a standing ovation from the judges (which I’m not sure they should be allowed to give for a solo but I am too tired to articulate why right now). And for all that low self-esteem Brandon said he had, I’m not sure what he was talking about because it takes a bit of self-confidence or INSANITY to get up there on stage on national television in nothing but some dance panties for men—let’s call them Manties—and show us almost all that you are made of. I’m not going to be a prude and say I didn’t enjoy it, but seriously, you’ve now made me use the word Manties on the Internet.

SYTYCD Episode 100

Okay, I'm really upset at myself because I spent the full hour of the 100th episode of this show writing about it while it was happening, and then at 10:02 p.m., I accidently hit delete, and it was gone and no amount of Command Z or SHOW THE PREVIOUS EFFIN' PAGE will recover it. And you all know what I said when that happened. I also might have yelled at my husband, and he might not be such a fan of the Chronicles or its writer anymore.

So what I said previously in a long and drawn-out real-time recap of this episode, I shall now say in a nutshell (meaning, like, five paragraphs for Marge): I love seeing past contestants. They make me feel like a Mama Mia too. I was nervous for them, however, because what if they had lost "it" or gained a few and weren't able to balance as they once had. Apparently, we didn't have to worry about that tonight. The Hummingbird and the Bench and Ramalama brought me to my feet and I think proves my point at why our current season lacks some luster. I mean, could you imagine Ramalama in season 5? I don't think so. Also, Wade Robson: you are wicked sick.

Is it me or is Katie Holmes not aging well? And was she even on the stage at all or was her performance all pre-taped? Jason said it best with a What the Eff Is This? Indeed. I mean, I would jump up and down on a couch too if it meant I could have legs like those, but other than that, her hype was not worth it. And was she pulling a Milli Vanilla up there—all moves and no sound? Or rather some moves and no sound? But I guess this is what we can expect from a lady who once made out with Dawson and now sleeps with Tom Cruise. 

On to results: It must be the Dawson Effect. Granted, Evan is not tall, blond, or obnoxious, but I think the teenage girls of America are succumbing to The Effect when it comes to Evan. And they are succumbing in droves. To that I say: kiss my grown-up ass, little girls. I can't wait until you see your first mortgage bill and realize that the Dawson Effect can do NOTHING to help you out there. 

Sad to see Jason and Janette go, particularly Janette, who actually had a personality regardless of her really bad curtain hair. It was an emotional evening all around. And I'm still brooding about losing that last post because it was a lot better than this one, which is doing nothing at all for my self-esteem. Oh, well.